Go on. Eat. Eat! Or you're gonna get it!
Orphans getting to eat
Cleavers sharp And ready for meat
Lovers being adored
Others feeling ignored
And a villain plotting crimes
Welcome to Schmicago
Where the breakers of the law go
Sinister and sleazy
Leaving's never easy
Welcome to...
Schmicago
Hey. Don't worry. You're gonna be great.
Are you sure we shouldn't just leave?
Not without seeing you on stage.
Go out there and knock 'em dead.
I love you. You're gonna be great.
- Hi, Max. - Hi, Mel.
- Hey, Melissa. - Hey, Fred.
Gimble! Where have you been?
Mr. Kratt has been very disappointed by your absence the last few days.
Yes, I'm sorry, Madam Frau. But I am here now,
and I'm ready to be the best chorus girl you've ever seen just blend in
and follow the others when she forgets her choreography.
Not so fast.
I need you to take the matinee solo slot.
The solo slot? But isn't that Jenny's?
- Jenny's not here. You are. - Yeah, but, I mean, Jenny's a star.
She's perfect. And I'm--
On in 30 minutes. So you in or out?
Okay, I'll do it.
I am ecstatic.
I've never been the girl Who gets attention
I've never been the one Who got the part
Believe me, there's no honor
In honorable mention
But I've made it an art
I've never been The type to take the spotlight
Some girls just seem to know how
Me, I've got a knack
For hiding in the back
But maybe it's my turn now
Once I lay around and languished
Had a wicked case of the blahs
All those days in agony I anguished
They got put on pause
When I heard that applause
I've never been the type To take the spotlight
Some girls just seem to know how
But maybe tonight
If the timing is right
Maybe these frightened feet Will sneak into the light
Yes, there's no more "maybe"
'Cause, baby
It's my turn now
I've never been the type To take the spotlight
Some girls just seem to know how
But maybe tonight
If the timing is right
Maybe these frightened feet Will sneak into the light
Yes, there's no more "maybe"
'Cause, baby
It's my turn
Now!
- Peace and love, Josh. Hey. - Hi, Josh. Peace and love.
Hey, everyone. Peace and love.
What's up?
- Nothing. - What's up with you?
Not much, just heading home.
- Cool. - Cool. Great.
All right. See ya.
Can I help you with something?
Marisa, what happened to your foot?
She stepped on a piece of glass.
I was trying to hug a butterfly.
Don't do that. They don't like it. Let me take a look.
That's not too bad.
Somebody get me some soap, water and a clean cloth.
Where's Topher?
Who knows?
That cat doesn't have time for us anymore.
Not since he hooked up with her.
Jenny. Right.
Thank you very much.
Listen, it's new love. Trust me.
Once the novelty wears off, you'll be seeing Topher again.
When will that happen?
Well, they're pretty young,
and very sexy.
- It could be a while. - You're so wise.
Okay.
There. You can stand on that now.
I can walk. I can walk!
He healed the lame! It's a miracle!
- It's definitely not a miracle. - Lead us! Tell us what to do!
Tell us what to do, and we'll do it!
What? No, I'm not that guy.
- Really. - Tell us what to do!
Tell us what to do!
- Tell us what to do! - Please stop chanting that!
You don't understand. We need a leader.
- And you're smart-- - So smart.
- And kind. - So kind.
You can't just spend your lives following anyone you think is smart and kind.
- See? I didn't know that. I'm stupid. - So stupid.
- Guys, please. I-- Every-- - Please!
- Please help us! - Lead us!
- We're so lost. - We'll do anything you say!
- I have drugs! - We love you!
Okay, I guess I can give you a few pointers.
It starts with just a taste
But then needs to be fed
And suddenly the dreams you've chased
Are chasing you instead
As more fans join the fold
Your humdrum life recedes
The road you're on is paved with gold
But who knows where
Who knows where it leads
Melissa!
How does it feel to be their fantasy?
Feels great!
It was a rhetorical question
Josh!
Can you live up To all that they want you to be?
Is that also a rhetorical qu--
Yes. Yes, it is!
Another damn rhetorical question!
Fame, fame
You don't stay long
But we're oh-so glad you came
Fame
We're oh-so glad you came
And my people say
Hey hey, Josh
Oh, my gosh Give me your head to anoint
Give me your feet to wash
Hey there, Mel Looking swell
How does it feel to be famous as hell?
Now we're kaput
Someone stole my doorway
Oh, they're good enough to eat
Kill them all!
Two birds with one stone
I'll drink to that
It starts with just a taste
But then needs to be fed
And suddenly the dreams you've chased
Are chasing you instead
I'll drink to that
Fame, fame
You don't stay long
But we're oh-so glad you came
Fame
We're oh-so glad you came!
And the people say
Hey hey, Josh
Oh, my gosh Give me your head to anoint
Give me your feet to wash
Hey there, Mel Looking swell
How does it feel to be famous as Famous as
Famous as hell
- Here you go. - Thank you. How much?
Please. It's my honor.
Thank you. Okay.
So is this what a happy ending feels like?
We've racked up some wins.
We got Jenny away from Kratt.
Happy ending.
We got Jenny together with Topher.
- Happy ending. - We got Dooley together with Codwell.
Ending. Comma. Happy.
But we did not bring Kratt to justice for Elsie's murder.
I'm starting to think that was a red herring.
Yeah, right? 'Cause we didn't know Elsie.
- Hi there. - Hello.
And Miss Codwell's being so much better to those orphans now.
Yeah, and I wonder what kind of ending that qualifies as.
You know my favorite part of singing at the club?
When I'm on that stage, I feel like I can do anything.
Like I feel strong and gorgeous.
You are.
That's how I feel about everything I've been doing with the tribe.
I think I might actually like teaching.
And I feel like we're starting to really make a difference.
It feels good being part of something bigger than myself, you know?
So... happy ending?
Looks like it.
I bet the leprechaun would say we could go back to the real world now.
- Maybe tomorrow. - Yeah, what's the rush?
- Yeah. - Yeah.
Hey, you guys.
You two have a lot of nerve showing up here!
What do you mean?
You betrayed me
You egomaniac
You swooped right in and swiped my tribe And stabbed me in the back
I didn't ask to lead them It is they who chose me
Is that supposed to make me feel better? 'Cause it doesn't
It makes me feel the exact opposite
- Okay. - You betrayed me
Topher.
You're like a sour macaroon A sour macaroon
A sour, dour, almond flour Sour macaroon
- A what? - I thought you were my friend.
- I am! I don't-- - Oh, really?
Because a true chum wouldn't steal someone's starring role at the club.
Okay, I get it now. No, no, I can see how it might look that way,
but, Jenny, I didn't steal your spot--
We are sorry. We--
We were just having so much fun that we got a little carried away.
So much fun that you just forgot to think about us?
No, I'm-- Jenny, I'm so sorry.
- Get out! - But we live here.
Get out!
Out.
I'd be delighted to put you up.
Wha-- Thank you so much, Miss Codwell. We really appreciate it.
Mind you, it might be a little bit crowded with all these orphans running around
for a couple of days, but we'll have loads of room soon.
Why's that?
Miss Codwell?
Why aren't you eatin'?
You're so nice to us and take such good care of us and give us such good food.
Well, yes. Course.
We scraped together all our money and bought you a present.
You shouldn't have.
- We want you to have it. - Really.
Go on, open it.
It's empty.
The ribbon is the present. Here.
Course the ribbon is--
Thank you. Thank you very much.
Now let's get back to eatin'. All of ya!
Heya, Dooley.
Just wanted to let you know we're gonna be bunking next door for a few days.
Do what you like.
That's a lot of knives.
Yeah.
- Josh, look at all those knives. - Yeah. That is a lot of knives.
Gonna need a lot of knives.
Why's that?
Is that a new meat grinder?
Yep.
That's a big grinder.
Thought you couldn't get any meat.
Did you get a new supplier?
Nope.
Then what do you have such a big meat grinder for?
So none of this seems odd to you?
None of it?
Will you stop?
Trust me, there is something weird going on.
Yeah, Miss Codwell's weird.
Dooley's weird.
That's why they're the perfect love match.
Now shut up and go to sleep.
I have a 12-show day tomorrow.
Okay.
We have to investigate.
Hey, I feel like I'm on the cover of a Nancy Drew book.
Will you take this seriously?
How can I take it seriously if I don't know what I'm looking for?
Wha-- I don't know. It's a-- Something like that.
It's a butcher shop. He's gonna have sausage casings.
Or that.
He's just keeping track of how much his girlfriend's orphans weigh.
For their Christmas presents?
Or that.
Oh, my gosh.
Say it. Say it.
They're gonna turn orphans into sausages.
Now who's crazy?
We did this. We brought them together.
And we're eternally grateful for that.
Gorblimey.
You really thought we were gonna hurt you?
- Well, I mean, we had... - Well--
...just discovered your secret, evil, murder-cannibalism plan, so...
It's-- He was holding that big cleaver.
I always carry my cleaver.
I feel naked without my cleaver.
Honestly, we're not monsters. We don't murder people.
Just orphans.
Well, orphans are people.
- Not in this state. - Okay.
Dooley, I can't stress enough,
you cannot turn orphans into meat.
God made them meat. I'm just making them into sausage.
- Oh, no. - I see what's going on here.
- It's a classic case of projection. - What?
Dooley wants to kill Kratt, but he can't,
so he's projecting his rage onto the orphans.
That's definitely not projection.
'Tis true. Kratt is the man my blade hungers for.
Kratt's blood is the only thing that can slake my thirst for vengeance.
But I can never get close enough to him. So these orphans will have to do.
Okay. Maybe you can't get close to Kratt, but Melissa can.
- S-- What's that? - Sidebar?
Uh-huh.
I can't believe we didn't see this coming. This guy is obviously Sweeney Todd.
Even I know Sweeney Todd kills people.
I told you. I couldn't sit through Sweeney Todd.
Hey-oh. Do you want to stop Dooley from killing the orphans?
- Yeah, of course. - Then give him Kratt.
You got that creepy old man wrapped around your little finger.
It would be no problem at all
for you to get him to a quiet place, alone and unprotected--
But then I'd be delivering an innocent man to his death.
Oka-- Well, not an innocent man,
a murderer.
Probably a multiple murderer,
- who tried to frame you... - Yeah.
...and has a terrible record of environmental infractions.
But does he deserve to die?
- Yes. - But does he really?
- Yes. - But does he rea--
You have to stop saying that.
But do I really?
It's--
Do you have anything to suggest?
I'm on break, man.
Maybe he won't kill him.
Mayb-- No-- Maybe if we put Dooley and Kratt
in the same room, Dooley won't kill him.
Maybe they'll just talk and hug it out.
That seems barely plausible.
- It's good enough for me. - All right.
Dooley. I'll deliver Kratt to you.
Who knows what'll happen?
And in return, you must promise not to kill the orphans.
What about turning them into sausage?
No, that too.
Miss Codwell, I know how much you want these innocent children to perish,
but Kratt is my destiny.
Whatever makes you happy, Mr. Blight.
No! Go.
- Double martini. - Rough day?
Pretty much the same as every other damn day.
I know the feeling.
I was wondering, how many?
How many what?
How many broken promises until you are the one that's broken?
We both made choices.
We thought we knew how things would work out.
We thought we'd get what we wanted.
We were wrong.
You want a twist?
There's always a twist.
When it begins, it's always good
But then it goes on and on
Much longer than you Ever thought it would
Just when you feel connected
Here comes something unexpected
There's always a twist That you've denied
You try to resist and save your pride
But there's always a twist That twists you up inside
Buppa buppa bah Buppa buppa bah
Buh-bup puh-duh buh! Pow! Pow!
They'll promise you the stars and moon
But then put you off
And off and off and off and off With "Soon, babe, soon"
Just when you think you've got 'em
Then you're right back at rock bottom
There's always a twist That you've denied
You try to resist and save your pride
But there's always a twist That twists you up inside
Twist you up, twist you up
Twist!
Choices you've made will Always haunt you
You feel betrayed But how they want you
Nonchalant you're never gonna be
Will, will, will Never will
- When it begins it's always good - It's always good
- But then it goes on and on - But then
Much longer than you Ever thought it would
Just when you feel connected
Here comes something unexpected Pow!
- There's always a twist - That you've denied
- You try to resist - And save your pride
But there's always a twist
That twists you up inside
- It twists you up - Twists you up inside
- It twists you up - Twists you up
Inside
- You sure you can do this? - Yeah, yeah, yeah. No problem.
It's not like I'm leading a man to his death.
Just his comeuppance.
Yeah.
Dooley's in your dressing room by now.
Yeah.
Hey, sexy.
Thanks again for all the flowers. And the candies.
And the poems about my feet. What's new?
Nothing. You?
Nothing much.
I'm just feeling a little lonesome.
How about you?
I suppose I am a little lonesome too.
Well, then let's do something about that.
You've been getting my roses.
Moses supposes I have.
Kratty, you're too, too hilarious.
Thank you. What did I say?
You deserve a little treat.
I have something special waiting for you in my dressing room.
Won't he mind?
I'm not worried about him.
This is Schmicago! I wanna enjoy myself.
In that case, I'm at your command.
Trust me, you won't be sorry.
I'm incapable of feeling remorse.
I just need to get something from my car.
Your car?
Mel.
Melissa!
You're coming with me, punk.
Where are you taking me?
Wherever I want. To do whatever I want. It's always about whatever I want.
That sounds bad.
My dear, what could possibly be bad
about a man and his wife wanting to be alone together?
I'm not married to you.
You will be. Or Mr. Skinner dies.
There's always a twist.
Fame, fame
You don't stay long
But we're oh-so glad you came
Fame
We're oh-so glad you came!
And the people say
Hey hey, Josh
Oh, my gosh Give me your head to anoint
Give me your feet to wash
Hey there, Mel Looking swell
How does it feel to be famous as hell
Now we're kaput
Someone stole my doorway
Oh, they're good enough to eat
Kill them all!
Two birds with one stone
I'll drink to that
It starts with just a taste
But then needs to be fed
And suddenly the dreams you've chased
Are chasing you instead