And there's his little foot.
Any pain?
All right, well, that's telling us something.
All right, let's help get you two pregnant.
There's her little foot.
Any pain?
I want pudding!
Did somebody say "corn puddin'"?
No, nobody said "corn puddin'."
Right. Yes, I know that.
Yes, I'm sorry. I-- Sorry.
Dr. Skinner, you said you'd fix my son's knee.
Well, what do you say now? Does that look like it's fixed?
- Hank, we talked about this... - Oh, no.
...and I told you that there's only a 50% chance surgery would help.
Tell it to the judge, 'cause I'm suing your ass.
You're going to jail. Doctor jail.
Okay.
That's the foot.
There's two of 'em.
Any pain?
- Hello, Melissa! - Hi, Mrs. Sliwinski.
How are you? I haven't seen you in a while.
I've been in California, visiting the grandkids.
One of them is gay now.
- Great. - So, it looks like you've got good news.
Is it a girl or a boy?
Neither. No, I'm not pregnant, actually.
But we are trying.
Well, I--
It's okay.
Yes, well-- Have a good walk!
What's wrong?
I don't know.
I just-- It feels like we should be happier, you know?
That's the foot.
Unfortunately, this cycle was not successful.
But we can always try again if you want.
Looking ahead...
We can expect temperatures in the high...
Hey.
So I was thinking,
and I know this sounds crazy but what if we--
- Yes. - Yes?
I really hope we don't run into anyone out here. We look insane.
Maybe we are insane.
I feel like this is around where we saw the bridge.
Oh, yes! I think I remember this tree.
You remember this tree? From two years ago?
I just really wanna find it.
No, I-- Don't worry, we will find it. All right.
I got a really good feeling...
about this direction.
- Totally. Yes. Me too. Yep. - Yeah. Uh-huh.
Maybe we're not supposed to find it again.
Maybe it's one of those places that you only go once and never return.
Like SoulCycle.
Not gonna lie, I am seriously questioning our wardrobe choice right now.
Yeah. But don't give up.
Yes! That's the Schmigadoon spirit!
We're never gonna find it.
Schmigadoon, where are you?
We should head back before it gets dark.
What was that?
Damn it.
Yep.
Flat tire. Perfect.
Well, we've got a spare, right?
I don't know. I'm not a car guy. You know that. I--
You don't have to be a car guy
- to know if we have a spare. - Wait.
What's that?
Sounds like an organ. It's music.
It's music.
Okay, let's not get too excited, all right?
- But it's music! Come on! - Yeah. Wh-- Yes.
We made it!
"Schmicago"?
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
What the--
If your life is a bore
And it's left you wanting more
Leave your fancy degrees
And your jobs and your cheese
It's time to change your point of view
Schmiga-dee-do
There's a world to explore
With a thrill behind each door
We got song, we got dance
Lots of sex, no romance
We've got it all and just for you
Welcome to Schmicago
Our fantastical farrago
Mystery and magic Endings that are tragic
Welcome to
Schmicago
It's the mayor. Hey, Mr. Mayor!
I don't think that's the mayor.
Honey, of course it is.
Mr. Mayor, it's Josh and Melissa. We're back!
Stop it! Would you wave hello to Sutton Foster in The Music Man
because you remember her from Thoroughly Modern Millie?
I'm guessing no?
This is not Schmigadoon. This is Schmicago.
Which means that is not the mayor. It's someone else.
Dreams of fame on the stage
And revenge that's fueled by rage
Women brimming with lust
Men that you shouldn't trust
And orphans that don't wanna die
Schmig-a-dee-yi
Quest for meaning in life
And an end to all this strife
Systems running on greed
And good guys who succeed
And also someone's gonna fry
Welcome to Schmicago
Our fantastical farrago
Look it up.
Mystery and magic
Endings that are tragic
Welcome to
Welcome to Schmicago
Schmicago
- Okay. - I'm really into this.
- Yeah. Rein it in, pal. Please. - Okay.
Peas and carrots.
Okay, what? I'm sorry. Can you all not talk at once, please?
- Because we can't understand you. - We're trying to understand--
Welcome to Schmicago
Our fantastical farrago
Mystery and magic
Endings that are tragic
Welcome to
Schmicago
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Thank you!
- So we-- Yeah. - Yeah.
Thank you, ladies and gentlemen. You're too kind.
No, really, thank you.
For this evening's diversion, we present the tale of Josh and Melissa!
The story of a typical married couple in the midst of a typical existential crisis.
Here on a quest for the most elusive of treasures.
Happiness.
Who is he talking to?
S-- At one point,
a lot of musicals had narrators. You know, like, instead of a story.
All right.
I'm so sorry. Go ahead.
Oh, really? Do I have your permission?
Uh-oh. He's peppery.
No, don't piss off the narrator.
Josh and Melissa attempted to find the answer by returning to Schmigadoon,
but as we all know, you can never return to Schmigadoon.
So now our heroes,
lost and disoriented and disappointed,
enter the city of Schmicago, looking for a place to stay.
So clearly we're in the next era of musicals here.
Chicago, Cabaret, Pippin.
Great. I haven't seen any of 'em.
I'm actually less familiar with these shows too.
'Cause I'm more into, like, the earlier, happier ones, you know?
Probably because of a bad experience I had when I was eight.
My dad took me to Sweeney Todd.
We left early.
But I do know that generally
these musicals are darker with more sex and violence and imperfect rhymes.
Imperfect rhymes?
Yeah. You know, like, when you rhyme "time" with "fine."
Oh, well, come on. That doesn't really matter.
It matters a lot.
Yes, it does. I can see that now.
Look. Hotel Schmicago.
Maybe we should stay here.
What?
You sure you wanna stay?
You don't?
I don't know. It's just--
I wanted Schmigadoon, you know?
A place with happy people and bright colors
and songs about falling in love and food. Not this.
Okay. But still, we're in a magical land.
I mean, we made it.
And to be honest, I'm really vibing more with this place, you know?
It's edgy, like me.
Look, we've got true love.
We can leave whenever we want.
Let's just stay the night
and if you still don't like it, we can go home tomorrow. Okay?
- Okay. - Thank you.
But if this is about all the T & A...
Hey, you have got the only T I wanna A.
Yeah, that did not work.
- Forget I said it. - I wish I could.
Hello. Hey.
Hey.
Wow. Hey there.
Extremely blond person that I've just met.
We'd like a room, please.
We're from out of town.
No kidding.
It's 50 cents an hour, cash.
No.
We're actually spending the night. We need it for the whole night.
Three dollars, cash.
See? I was right to get those singles.
You're very smart.
There you are.
So, you two want a girl?
You need my help to answer that question?
No. I just-- No, thank you.
Really not interested in a three-way.
It's been hard enough to find one person that I wanna sleep with.
But she found him.
We're married. Just over a year now.
I'll drink to that!
Checkout is 10:00 a.m. sharp.
Thank you.
Have a nice evening.
All right. Yeah.
I mean, it'll be fun. It's an adventure.
Adventure?
This is like that season of American Horror Story I gave up on.
Well, I don't know about you, but I am ready to hit the...
hay.
Yeah. Maybe we'll just take turns sleeping standing up.
Sorry, have you got a cigarette, darlings? I'm simply desperate.
You must be new.
Yes, well, we are always in and out of each other's rooms here, darlings.
We can hardly keep track of who sleeps where.
I'm Jenny. Jenny Banks.
I'm Melissa. This is Josh.
I simply adore your outfits. They're just marvelous.
What do you think of mine?
It was a gift from one of my older gentleman friends.
I'm the most scandalous gold digger, darlings.
Isn't it just deliciously decadent?
I don't--
We are going to become the best of chums. I just know it.
And I have the most spectacular people instincts.
I'm quite literally never wrong.
Madam Frau says that it's because I'm an old soul.
And she should know. I mean, she's practically 50, the old battle-ax.
Fifty's not that old.
How long were you two planning on staying? I hope it's terribly long.
We are-- No, we are not sure.
Oh, no! But you simply must stay forever.
We're going to have the most marvelous time together, the three of us.
In fact, you must come to see me perform at the club tonight.
I have a brand-new number, and it's going to be just fabulous.
I'll just die if you don't come. Promise me you're going to come.
Swear on your lives.
- Just say yes. - Sure, we'll be there.
You are little dears. The both of you.
Okay, I will see you tonight. Au revoir.
I forgot. Do you have a cigarette, darling?
- Nope. - Sorry.
And, you know, actually, as a singer, you shouldn't--
See you tonight. Tschüss.
There's somebody else we don't know from Schmigadoon.
Are you joking? That was Betsy.
What?
That was Betsy. She just changed her hair color.
Are you sure?
How are men in charge of anything?
KRATT KLUBB
'Kay.
- Fun crowd. - Yeah.
Do we shock you?
Make you ill at ease?
Do we offend Your tender sensibilities?
There's no norm we won't transgress
Look! There's a man And he's wearing a dress
Yeah. I mean,
I've literally seen every season of Drag Race, so...
Yeah, so...
Do we scare you?
Are you too refined?
I'm into boys and girls
Does that just blow your mind?
Other girls get thanked and tipped
Us, we just like To get spanked and whipped
I wonder if the meat loaf's any good.
Does that shock you?
We hope it shocks you
'Cause we're really putting A lot of effort into it
What do you think about this?
I've got a tattoo.
- It's cool. - Cool.
What do you think about that?
I've experienced an orgasm. A female one.
What do you think about?
Does that shock you?
We hope it shocks you
'Cause we're really putting A lot of effort
Really putting a lot of effort
Really putting a lot of effort into it
Danke! Danke! Danke! Merci! Gracias.
Ankthay ouyay.
Emma?
Her you recognize?
- Interesting. - Mel--
Welcome, ladies and gentlemen to the Kratt Klubb.
Where you can escape all your troubles out there
and enjoy the delights of our beautiful cabaret girls in here.
Annie, Kate, Molly, Tessie,
Pepper, Duffy and Elsie.
Now go, change into something less comfortable. Huh?
Okay.
You have to move. Now. Schnell. This table is reserved for the owner.
We didn't know that.
No, please don't get up.
I'm sorry, Mr. Kratt. I was just moving them.
Nonsense, Madam.
I take it the two of you are new to Schmicago.
Yes. We just got in today actually.
Then please join me as my guests.
- N-- - Should we?
- I guess the three of us can squeeze. - Get around the leg there. So...
That'll do, Madam Frau.
Yes, Mr. Kratt.
I must apologize. Madam Frau can be a little overzealous.
- She's fine. She's great, actually. - I don't-- Yeah.
Allow me to introduce myself.
My name is Kratt. Octavius Kratt.
Nice to meet you, Mr. Kratt.
I'm Josh Skinner, and-- Okay. This is my wife.
- Melissa Gimble. - Yeah.
Delighted.
Yes, and-- Wow. So you own this club?
Yes. More of a hobby, really.
My true passion is power.
Electricity.
Every single home and business in Schmicago is powered
by a Kratt generating station.
- Wow. - Wow.
As I like to say, every single home and business in Schmicago
is powered by a Kratt generating station.
That's a good sentence.
But I am also a great appreciator of art
and beauty.
Which is why I spend my evenings here at the club. Which I own.
- Yeah, right. Yeah. - You said that. Yes.
Do you have any theatrical aspirations, my dear?
I'm always on the lookout for new talent.
Me? No. Oh, no.
- I'm a doctor. An obstetrician. - She's--
Of course you are.
- Really? Here too? - I am so sorry.
If you'll excuse me.
I have to go powder my nose.
He seems nice.
Meine Damen und Herren.
Mesdames et messieurs.
Ladies and germs.
I give you the beautiful, the charming,
the international sensation, Jenny Banks!
Hey!
Back when I was summering in Brussels
I fell in love with Martin And his muscles
My heart got pumping Every time he flexed
It's fair to say
That I was overcome by what came next
Turns out He wasn't all that strong in bed
And that is when I turned to him And said
We've gone kaput
Now we're kaput
Once our desire burnt like a fire But now there's nothing left but soot
We had a laugh or two But now the laughter is through
My dear, I fear that we're kaput
Once I took a lover up in Munich
Who made my prior beau Look like a eunuch
Soon we were making romance 'Round the clock
But soon, alas I tired of his cockamamie talk
You see The man had nothing in his head
And so one night I'd had enough and said
We've gone kaput
Now we're kaput
Your rear's sublime But now it's time
It got a visit from my foot
We had a fine affair But please get out of mein hair
My dear, I fear it's clear That we're kaput
All right.
We've gone kaput
Now we're kaput
Once our desire burnt like a fire But now there's nothing left but soot
We had a fine affair But please get out of mein hair
My dear, I fear that we're kaput
Kaput
Wow!
So that's Betsy?
- Okay. You stop. - All right.
I actually need to go powder my nose too.
- I'll be right back. - Okay.
What?
Hello?
N-- Okay. No.
MEIN KAMPF
Just the bathroom?
Miss, can you hear me?
Hey, Josh, we got-- What? What happened?
What? No. I just came in. I found her like--
- Is she-- - She's dead.
- Murder! - No, wait!
- We gotta get the hell out of here. - Yes, but what about her?
She's dead. There's nothing else we can do for her.
But you have blood on your hands and someone just saw you.
And this is not the kind of musical I wanna be in.
All right.
Oh, shit. What about the flat? Can we drive on the rim?
Again, not a car person.
Just let's get across the bridge and we'll figure it out.
Hurry up!
I'm hurrying!
What-- Well, what's happening? What is that?
It's dead.
Let's take a look here.
What the hell?
Schmicago welcomes your return
But it seems ye both Have more to learn
For though 'tis true ye Found true love
That isn't all ye have need of
Oh, God.
So now it's here Your lives ye'll spend
Until ye've made a...
What?
...happy end
- Wh-- No. Come back! - No! Wha--
- This-- - It's not helpful!
Are you kidding me?
"A happy end"? What does that even mean?
I don't know. But what I do know is I hate that freaking leprechaun.
How are we supposed to make a happy ending in this place?
'Cause these musicals don't have happy endings.
And even if they did, I hate to state the obvious,
but we are not the people to orchestrate anything involving happiness.
- We're miserable. - We're miserable.
- Oh, no. - We gotta get across this bridge.
- But the leprechaun said-- - The cops are coming,
and I literally have blood on my hands. We have to try.
Just-- I don't know. Think happy thoughts.
I can't. That's why we're here.
Okay, maybe if we tried smiling?
Shit. Come on.
Hands up!
Don't move.
Is that him?
Josh Skinner, you're under arrest for the murder of Elsie Vale.
What? No, I didn't kill her. I just found the body.
This is crazy. He didn't do it.
Sarge, look at this.
- Why was that in our car? - I have no idea.
Well, well, well. Looks like we found us a murder weapon.
Okay, that is not mine.
No, it's not. We are both very anti-gun.
- Josh is actually afraid of guns. - Well, I'm not afraid of them.
My dad took you to the shooting range.
I just was really surprised at how loud it was, okay? It was super loud.
- He was crying for a couple h-- - I was not crying.
Quiet! Put him in the wagon.
- Wait. No. Where are you taking him? - Wait.
Where he belongs. Jail.
Josh!
Mystery and magic Endings that are tragic
Welcome to
Schmicago
We've gone kaput
Now we're kaput
Once our desire burnt like a fire But now there's nothing left but soot
We had a laugh or two But now the laughter is through
My dear, I fear that we're kaput
Once I took a lover up in Munich
Who made my prior beau Look like a eunuch
Soon we were making romance 'Round the clock
But soon, alas I tired of his cockamamie talk
You see The man had nothing in his head
And so one night I'd had enough and said
We've gone kaput
- Now we're kaput - Now we're kaput
Once our desire burnt like a fire But now there's nothing left but soot
We had a fine affair
But please get out of mein hair
My dear, I fear that we're kaput
Kaput