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00:00:02,127 --> 00:00:04,546
[upbeat orchestral music playing]
2
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[woman over intercom, indistinct]
3
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Peyton got it.
4
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Peyton got it?
5
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Ugh. I don't believe it.
6
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Oh, why does everyone care
so much about Peyton?
7
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You should meet with Dean Chang.
Make her give you some answers.
8
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-Seriously, let's schedule an appointment.
-Why? What's she gonna say?
9
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Anyway, I'm fine.
I didn't become a surgeon for fellowships.
10
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I did it because I wanted to help people
without having to talk to them.
11
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Just ask her what happened so
you'll know you did everything you could.
12
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-I mean, Peyton?
-[sighs] Please stop.
13
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-Okay.
-[sighs]
14
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Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
15
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It's just a doggy-dog world.
16
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[sighs]
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I'm sorry, did you just say
it's a "doggy-dog" world?
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No, when a fellowship
that should so clearly go to you,
19
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-goes to someone--
-Hold on. Hold on. Hold on.
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Doggy-dog?
21
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Oh, Mel.
22
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You just put me
in a really difficult position
23
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because I need you
to keep saying "doggy-dog,"
24
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but it's my obligation to tell you
that the expression is "dog-eat-dog."
25
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Uh, I don't think so. It's doggy-dog.
26
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[chuckles] You're doubling down?
27
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Dog-eat-dog doesn't make sense.
Dogs don't eat dogs. That never happens.
28
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Then what does "doggy-dog" mean?
29
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It means, like, it's a rough world.
30
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You can be brought down so low,
a dog would have you for a pet.
31
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You'd be doggy to a dog.
32
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Okay, uh, a question comes to mind.
33
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Is English your first language?
34
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-Ugh, okay, babe.
-No, I'm sorry.
35
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Listen, I love you. It's okay to be wrong.
36
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Well, I'm not wrong.
37
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And I was just trying
to make you feel better.
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-You did.
-Ugh.
39
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[Josh clears throat]
40
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I'm sorry about today.
41
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You were right about doggy-dog.
42
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Makes a lot of sense.
43
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Thank you, sweetie.
44
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-[chuckles]
-And I'm sorry about the fellowship.
45
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Thank you.
46
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And you, you wouldn't eat another dog,
would you?
47
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No, you wouldn't. You would never.
48
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[gasps] But you would have your
own dog for a pet, wouldn't you?
49
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Yes, you would.
50
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-Look at that. He agrees with me.
-Mmm.
51
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Melissa, my word, you're disrobing.
52
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No-- Oh, no, just my shoes. It's late.
53
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What a breath of fresh air you are.
54
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How do you think of these things?
You're such a free spirit.
55
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That's me.
56
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-Okay, well, here we go.
-[chuckles]
57
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Piggies, we are giving ourselves
to nature.
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[chuckles]
59
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Shall we be tender monkeys?
60
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Wow. You're a little different in love.
61
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But you know what?
I'm into it because I'm not controlling.
62
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Well, how about instead
we go over our top threes of the day?
63
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By which I mean
the day's three worst moments.
64
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Seems you have turned
my world on its head.
65
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Jorge, you don't have to do that.
66
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It's just a dumb thing
I used to do with an old boyfriend,
67
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and I shouldn't have mentioned it.
68
00:04:03,785 --> 00:04:08,040
Okay, but my number one is when
Helen Pritt gave me the stink eye
69
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for using the word "constipated."
70
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-[laughs]
-Oh, how positively savage. "Constipated."
71
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What was your number one?
72
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Oh, my number one of the day, uh...
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well, it was me. I was a horrible doctor.
74
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Oh, no. Although--
75
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Maybe you could prescribe
less radium water, but--
76
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Well, I was distracted all day because
my thoughts were only of you, darling.
77
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How you crack me open
and let the light flood in.
78
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It's crazy, but I feel like
you've done the same for me.
79
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Seems like forever
since I've been this happy.
80
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[music starts]
81
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♪ Suddenly you've got my senses reeling ♪
82
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♪ Is it just the thrill
Of something new? ♪
83
00:05:01,718 --> 00:05:06,807
♪ Suddenly these feelings
That I'm feeling ♪
84
00:05:07,599 --> 00:05:12,312
♪ If they're real, then what am I to do? ♪
85
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♪ There's no sense
In trying to explain it ♪
86
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♪ What and where and why
And when and how ♪
87
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♪ All I know is suddenly I love you ♪
88
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♪ And suddenly that's all that matters ♪
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♪ Now ♪
90
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[grand music playing]
91
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[music stops]
92
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Oh, I'm so sorry.
93
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-Oh, it's my fault, I'm sure.
-[gasps]
94
00:06:00,068 --> 00:06:03,697
Oh, looky everyone.
The countess has returned early.
95
00:06:03,780 --> 00:06:04,781
How wonderful!
96
00:06:04,865 --> 00:06:07,868
Melissa, this is, uh,
the Countess Gabriele Von Blerkom.
97
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,663
-She also invented stainless steel.
-Jorge, please.
98
00:06:11,747 --> 00:06:15,459
I dabble in aluminothermic
reduction processes and I got lucky.
99
00:06:17,294 --> 00:06:19,963
Oh, my gosh.
This is just like Sound of Music.
100
00:06:20,047 --> 00:06:22,257
Let me guess,
you're just back from the city
101
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and you're supposed to marry him, right?
102
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Have we met? 'Cause I'd never forget
such a lovely creature.
103
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What a beautiful couple you two make.
104
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[Doc Lopez chuckles] Blerky, Blerky.
You silly, silly, Blerky.
105
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No, no. Do you think
this woman and I were dancing?
106
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No, I was just simply spinning her around
107
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to dislodge the food
that she was, uh, choking--
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I'm Melissa, the new nurse.
109
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Although you look much newer, Blerky,
110
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you shine and sparkle so!
111
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Jorge, I'm parched.
Do root out some champagne.
112
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Yes, of course.
113
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[chuckles]
114
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He's in love with you.
115
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Uh...
116
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Well, he'd hardly be a man if he weren't.
117
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Oh-- Stop it. No. I mean, I guess.
118
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[scoffs] You are a goddess.
119
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You're so smart and stunning.
120
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Compared to you, I'm, uh, a barefoot mess.
121
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Ah! What fun. Oh.
122
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Let's just go find your shoes, shall we?
123
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The truth is, it's crazy,
but Jorge and I are in love.
124
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And I know that must hurt,
125
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but I have this feeling,
a vision let's call it,
126
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that you are going
to graciously step aside.
127
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I can't explain how I know.
Let's call it a sixth sense.
128
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Oh, there are so many things
one could call it.
129
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Aw.
130
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What sweaty little hands you have.
131
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You and I must
get to know each other better.
132
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Oh, I know.
We'll go for a drive. Tomorrow?
133
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I would love that, Blerky.
134
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Oh. [chuckles]
135
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You feel comfortable enough
to call me that.
136
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[both chuckle]
137
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[lisping] It's raisin bread.
138
00:08:04,443 --> 00:08:06,195
-Yeah.
-It's coleslaw.
139
00:08:06,278 --> 00:08:08,655
Sarsaparilla soda?
140
00:08:08,739 --> 00:08:10,073
[Josh, Emma chuckle]
141
00:08:11,241 --> 00:08:15,120
My sister must really like you.
She's never smiled like this before.
142
00:08:15,204 --> 00:08:17,748
Everyone in town thinks she's a sad sack.
143
00:08:17,831 --> 00:08:19,041
Carson.
144
00:08:19,666 --> 00:08:22,252
Why don't you go count the ants
over by that pine tree?
145
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-Absolutely.
-[Emma] Mmm.
146
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Well, whatever everyone in town thinks,
it's better than what I think of them.
147
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Smiling is overrated.
148
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[Carson] Twenty-six ants!
149
00:08:33,679 --> 00:08:34,847
Keep counting, buddy!
150
00:08:36,558 --> 00:08:40,312
So, how long are you going
to be in Schmigadoon?
151
00:08:40,395 --> 00:08:44,483
You know, I ask because I've had
difficulties navigating the ins and outs
152
00:08:44,566 --> 00:08:46,068
of handyman season before.
153
00:08:46,652 --> 00:08:48,362
Well, to be honest, I don't know.
154
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,405
I really need to get back to New York.
155
00:08:50,489 --> 00:08:53,033
Oh, but you can't. I mean, it isn't safe.
156
00:08:53,909 --> 00:08:55,494
It's filled with gambling and crime
157
00:08:55,577 --> 00:08:58,539
and poor souls who've tried to make it big
158
00:08:58,622 --> 00:09:01,333
but can't go back home
because of foolish pride.
159
00:09:01,416 --> 00:09:03,669
See, but that's what I love
about New York.
160
00:09:04,253 --> 00:09:07,631
There are so many people
in the city from all walks of life.
161
00:09:07,714 --> 00:09:10,384
I don't know, maybe it's just because
you can't keep track of them all,
162
00:09:10,467 --> 00:09:14,388
but-- but everyone in New York's
got the chance to reinvent themselves.
163
00:09:22,563 --> 00:09:25,899
My sister kissed Dr. Skinner! My sister!
164
00:09:25,983 --> 00:09:28,402
Carson, you know better than to spy.
165
00:09:28,485 --> 00:09:30,153
That will be sentences when we get home.
166
00:09:30,237 --> 00:09:34,408
Sentences? Then I'm never telling you
how many ants there are. [sighs]
167
00:09:34,491 --> 00:09:37,244
He thinks everyone's
got to know everyone's business.
168
00:09:37,327 --> 00:09:40,372
It's all right.
Maybe he'll grow up to be a reporter.
169
00:09:40,455 --> 00:09:41,582
I can see that headline.
170
00:09:41,665 --> 00:09:44,918
[imitating lisp] "Emma Kisses Dr. Skinner:
Schoolmarm Scandal."
171
00:09:46,837 --> 00:09:49,631
No, it's okay. He knows he has a lisp.
172
00:09:50,215 --> 00:09:52,885
I had one too.
We don't pretend that it doesn't exist.
173
00:09:54,052 --> 00:09:56,597
You know what?
You are doing a great job with him.
174
00:09:57,431 --> 00:10:00,100
It can't be easy
being both a sister and a parent.
175
00:10:01,059 --> 00:10:03,061
That's really none of your business.
176
00:10:03,145 --> 00:10:05,647
What? I'm sorry.
I meant that as a compliment.
177
00:10:05,731 --> 00:10:07,024
Well, thank you for that.
178
00:10:07,941 --> 00:10:09,776
Oh, dear. It looks like rain.
179
00:10:09,860 --> 00:10:12,070
-It's clear.
-Well, that's the pattern, isn't it?
180
00:10:12,154 --> 00:10:14,406
No rain. Rain. No rain. Rain.
181
00:10:14,489 --> 00:10:17,492
Oh, it's been so nice seeing you, Josh,
182
00:10:17,576 --> 00:10:20,037
but Carson and I really need
to be on our way.
183
00:10:20,120 --> 00:10:21,622
Wait. Emma, what's wrong?
184
00:10:21,705 --> 00:10:23,123
Carson, it's time to go.
185
00:10:23,207 --> 00:10:25,417
-[Carson] But Dr. Skinner was--
-No, we need to go.
186
00:10:29,338 --> 00:10:30,339
Wha--
187
00:10:31,256 --> 00:10:32,257
Emma.
188
00:10:46,688 --> 00:10:48,524
-Good afternoon, Mrs. Layton.
-Is it?
189
00:10:49,233 --> 00:10:50,317
Uh, pardon?
190
00:10:50,400 --> 00:10:52,986
Oh, sir, I hear you. Yes, I hear you.
191
00:10:53,070 --> 00:10:55,989
And normally I'd agree that, yes,
it is a good afternoon.
192
00:10:56,073 --> 00:11:00,244
But not this afternoon.
Not with the state of our town today.
193
00:11:01,537 --> 00:11:03,664
♪ We've got tribulation, my good sir ♪
194
00:11:03,747 --> 00:11:05,916
♪ We've got tribulation in Schmigadoon ♪
195
00:11:05,999 --> 00:11:09,837
♪ Look down there, do you see what I see?
Peanut shells in the street ♪
196
00:11:09,920 --> 00:11:12,464
♪ Lying there like passed-out drunks
In the gutter ♪
197
00:11:12,548 --> 00:11:15,092
♪ Turning town square
Into the floor of a saloon ♪
198
00:11:15,175 --> 00:11:17,302
♪ The home of loose woman
And hooch-happy sinners ♪
199
00:11:17,386 --> 00:11:19,429
♪ A petting pantry
In the middle of the street ♪
200
00:11:19,513 --> 00:11:21,181
♪ Is that what our town's become? ♪
201
00:11:21,265 --> 00:11:23,100
♪ Is that the future
We want for our children? ♪
202
00:11:23,183 --> 00:11:24,852
♪ I'm telling ya things have changed ♪
203
00:11:24,935 --> 00:11:26,979
♪ Ever since those
Two outsiders waltzed in ♪
204
00:11:27,604 --> 00:11:30,023
♪ With their big city ways
And their newfangled ideas ♪
205
00:11:30,107 --> 00:11:32,150
♪ Promiscuity and depravity ♪
206
00:11:32,776 --> 00:11:34,695
♪ Interlopers interloping ♪
207
00:11:34,778 --> 00:11:36,780
♪ With hearts colder
Than the hinges of hell ♪
208
00:11:36,864 --> 00:11:38,615
♪ First the two of them
Arrived unmarried ♪
209
00:11:38,699 --> 00:11:41,076
♪ Brimming with lust
Wanting to share a bed ♪
210
00:11:41,159 --> 00:11:43,287
♪ Then the brazen display
At the basket auction ♪
211
00:11:43,370 --> 00:11:45,539
♪ Now the mayor's out
Proclaiming his perversions ♪
212
00:11:45,622 --> 00:11:47,374
♪ At the root of it all
Are two strangers ♪
213
00:11:47,457 --> 00:11:49,751
♪ Who've never cracked
A Bible in their life ♪
214
00:11:49,835 --> 00:11:53,130
♪ And that's gonna lead
To tribulation and strife ♪
215
00:11:53,213 --> 00:11:55,549
♪ Now I've got nothing against outsiders ♪
216
00:11:56,091 --> 00:11:58,177
♪ Provided they're
The right kind of people ♪
217
00:11:58,260 --> 00:12:00,888
♪ Kind of folk who look and talk
And act like us ♪
218
00:12:00,971 --> 00:12:03,015
♪ Like peas in a pod
And birds of a feather ♪
219
00:12:03,098 --> 00:12:05,350
♪ Not loudmouthed trash
With their tommyrot, flapdoodle ♪
220
00:12:05,434 --> 00:12:07,603
♪ Claptrap, fiddle-faddle
Jiggery-pokery ♪
221
00:12:07,686 --> 00:12:09,897
♪ Stirring up the cream
While we're waiting for it to settle ♪
222
00:12:09,980 --> 00:12:11,982
♪ Like vermin in the root cellar
Flies in the buttermilk ♪
223
00:12:12,065 --> 00:12:13,984
♪ And they're influencing
There, I said it ♪
224
00:12:14,067 --> 00:12:16,028
♪ They're influencing your children ♪
225
00:12:16,111 --> 00:12:18,322
♪ Like an earwig crawling
From their ears to their brains ♪
226
00:12:18,405 --> 00:12:20,616
♪ And soon your young 'uns
Will be neglecting chores ♪
227
00:12:20,699 --> 00:12:22,910
♪ Milk going sour
Unstrained in the springhouse ♪
228
00:12:22,993 --> 00:12:25,037
♪ Back talk at dinner
No time for the good book ♪
229
00:12:25,120 --> 00:12:27,456
♪ Ragtime blaring on the Victrola ♪
230
00:12:27,539 --> 00:12:29,166
♪ And that's just the beginning, folks ♪
231
00:12:29,249 --> 00:12:30,834
♪ Soon you won't even, no you won't ♪
232
00:12:30,918 --> 00:12:33,003
♪ No, you won't even recognize
Your own town ♪
233
00:12:33,086 --> 00:12:36,006
♪ I'm talking 'bout neon signs
Smoke-filled rooms ♪
234
00:12:36,089 --> 00:12:38,217
♪ Billiard parlors and painted ladies ♪
235
00:12:38,300 --> 00:12:40,302
♪ Wanton women having children
Out of wedlock ♪
236
00:12:40,385 --> 00:12:42,429
♪ Rowdy men using filthy language ♪
237
00:12:42,513 --> 00:12:44,723
♪ The devil himself dancing
On your front porch ♪
238
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,808
♪ Stealing your babies
Out of their cribs at midnight ♪
239
00:12:46,892 --> 00:12:48,977
♪ Cows and sheep having amorous congress ♪
240
00:12:49,061 --> 00:12:51,230
♪ Children with the mark of the beast
On their foreheads ♪
241
00:12:51,313 --> 00:12:55,275
♪ All thanks to these two out-of-towners
Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble ♪
242
00:12:55,359 --> 00:12:59,696
♪ Better hold on to your husband
Best keep an eye on your wife ♪
243
00:12:59,780 --> 00:13:03,450
♪ There's gonna be
Some tribulation and strife ♪
244
00:13:03,534 --> 00:13:05,619
-♪ Oh, we've got strife ♪
-[chorus] ♪ Got strife ♪
245
00:13:05,702 --> 00:13:08,455
-♪ And tribulation ♪
-♪ Tribulation ♪
246
00:13:08,539 --> 00:13:12,292
-♪ And not to mention miscegenation ♪
-♪ Ooh, that sounds bad ♪
247
00:13:12,376 --> 00:13:14,419
-♪ Let's pray the Lord ♪
-♪ Pray the Lord ♪
248
00:13:14,503 --> 00:13:16,672
-♪ Will save us soon ♪
-♪ Save us soon ♪
249
00:13:16,755 --> 00:13:20,133
[all] ♪ 'Cause we've got strife
And tribulation in Schmigadoon! ♪
250
00:13:20,217 --> 00:13:22,010
♪ Strife, strife, strife, strife ♪
251
00:13:22,094 --> 00:13:23,387
[chorus]
♪ Strife, strife, strife, strife ♪
252
00:13:23,470 --> 00:13:24,555
I can't hear y'all!
253
00:13:24,638 --> 00:13:26,265
[chorus] ♪ Strife, strife, strife ♪
254
00:13:26,348 --> 00:13:27,599
[jazz rhythm continues]
255
00:13:27,683 --> 00:13:29,226
I love this town.
256
00:13:29,309 --> 00:13:32,354
Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy
founded Schmigadoon
257
00:13:32,437 --> 00:13:35,524
when he came upon this
beautiful tract of land and said,
258
00:13:35,607 --> 00:13:37,317
"They'll never find us here."
259
00:13:37,401 --> 00:13:39,486
But it pains me. Oh! It pains me
260
00:13:39,570 --> 00:13:42,656
to see our town slipping away
right before our very eyes.
261
00:13:42,739 --> 00:13:45,158
I tried to alert the mayor,
but his mind was elsewhere.
262
00:13:45,242 --> 00:13:46,910
-In his pants!
-[crowd gasps]
263
00:13:46,994 --> 00:13:49,538
His poor wife is so ashamed
she locked herself inside her house.
264
00:13:49,621 --> 00:13:51,039
And this time, on purpose.
265
00:13:51,123 --> 00:13:52,374
I'm sorry, Florence!
266
00:13:53,000 --> 00:13:57,129
New leadership.
That's what Schmigadoon needs.
267
00:13:57,671 --> 00:13:58,672
But who?
268
00:13:58,755 --> 00:14:02,467
Who has the moral wherewithal,
the traditional how-to,
269
00:14:02,551 --> 00:14:06,513
the good, old-fashioned,
all-American je ne sais quoi
270
00:14:06,597 --> 00:14:08,390
to stand up to these two outsiders?
271
00:14:08,473 --> 00:14:10,934
-Mildred Layton for mayor!
-I couldn't.
272
00:14:11,018 --> 00:14:13,145
-[woman] Mildred Layton for mayor!
-I wouldn't.
273
00:14:13,228 --> 00:14:16,857
-[crowd clamors]
-[women] Mildred Layton for mayor!
274
00:14:16,940 --> 00:14:17,983
[crowd stops]
275
00:14:18,483 --> 00:14:21,153
-Okay, I'll do it.
-[jazz music swells]
276
00:14:21,236 --> 00:14:23,405
-♪ It's time to vote ♪
-[chorus] ♪ To vote ♪
277
00:14:23,488 --> 00:14:25,741
-♪ And vote for Layton ♪
-♪ Vote for Layton ♪
278
00:14:25,824 --> 00:14:29,036
♪ She is the only one who'll
Save our town from Satan ♪
279
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:30,120
[chorus] ♪ Save us now ♪
280
00:14:30,204 --> 00:14:32,080
-♪ Let's hope that she ♪
-♪ Hope that she ♪
281
00:14:32,164 --> 00:14:34,333
-♪ Will save us soon ♪
-♪ Save us soon ♪
282
00:14:34,416 --> 00:14:37,169
♪ 'Cause we've got strife
And tribulation ♪
283
00:14:37,252 --> 00:14:39,421
[chorus] ♪ Strife and tribulation ♪
284
00:14:39,505 --> 00:14:41,632
♪ Grief and consternation ♪
285
00:14:41,715 --> 00:14:43,800
[chorus] ♪ Grief and consternation ♪
286
00:14:43,884 --> 00:14:49,515
[all] ♪ Strife and tribulation ♪
287
00:14:49,598 --> 00:14:56,063
-[chorus] ♪ In Schmigadoon ♪
-[Mildred vocalizes]
288
00:14:57,564 --> 00:14:58,649
-[thud]
-[Pete] Ow!
289
00:14:58,732 --> 00:15:00,108
Sorry, Pete!
290
00:15:01,193 --> 00:15:05,322
I want you to write
"I will not spy" 500 times.
291
00:15:05,405 --> 00:15:08,200
And do not get up until you do.
Do you understand me?
292
00:15:15,999 --> 00:15:18,085
[lisping] This is outrageous.
293
00:15:20,045 --> 00:15:21,797
Hey, can I have your pencil, sport?
294
00:15:25,050 --> 00:15:28,428
So, what do you think happened
at the picnic?
295
00:15:28,512 --> 00:15:30,722
Why did your sister get so mad?
296
00:15:31,306 --> 00:15:32,850
She's a mystery.
297
00:15:34,810 --> 00:15:36,436
Here, you can write twice as fast.
298
00:15:37,980 --> 00:15:39,106
Let's see.
299
00:15:42,943 --> 00:15:45,237
-Huh?
-We're cheating!
300
00:15:45,320 --> 00:15:47,447
Shh! No,
I'm not teaching you how to cheat.
301
00:15:47,531 --> 00:15:49,783
This is totally fair.
It's the Air Bud rule.
302
00:15:50,951 --> 00:15:53,954
Oh, boy. Um... there's movies here, right?
303
00:15:55,455 --> 00:15:56,373
Moving pictures?
304
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:59,334
Oh, yes, sir.
I saw one at the nickelodeon.
305
00:15:59,418 --> 00:16:03,172
It was of a man on a bicycle.
It was like he was right there.
306
00:16:03,255 --> 00:16:06,091
Great. So Air Bud is about a dog
307
00:16:06,175 --> 00:16:09,261
who gets to play
on a middle school basketball team,
308
00:16:09,344 --> 00:16:13,140
because there's nothing in the rule book
that specifically says he can't.
309
00:16:13,932 --> 00:16:18,228
So we're not cheating,
we're just exploiting a loophole.
310
00:16:18,312 --> 00:16:19,646
Gee, thanks!
311
00:16:21,523 --> 00:16:23,984
Uh, Carson, I just...
312
00:16:24,067 --> 00:16:25,819
I don't wanna leave you
with the impression
313
00:16:25,903 --> 00:16:27,821
that you shouldn't work hard on stuff.
314
00:16:28,655 --> 00:16:32,367
Or that Air Bud is a good movie.
I mean, it's no Man on Bicycle.
315
00:16:33,577 --> 00:16:34,578
Um...
316
00:16:35,913 --> 00:16:37,080
[sighs]
317
00:16:42,085 --> 00:16:44,838
Then you just remove the carbon
from the molten steel
318
00:16:44,922 --> 00:16:48,258
until it reaches a composition
that can maintain the microstructure.
319
00:16:49,510 --> 00:16:50,511
Wow!
320
00:16:51,845 --> 00:16:55,724
I once had to boil soup in
my stainless steel trash can, long story,
321
00:16:55,807 --> 00:16:58,519
and it saved Thanksgiving, so thank you.
322
00:17:00,771 --> 00:17:01,939
And I just wanna say,
323
00:17:02,022 --> 00:17:06,234
I know it is bonkers for Jorge
to choose me over you.
324
00:17:06,318 --> 00:17:07,861
I mean, you could have anyone.
325
00:17:07,944 --> 00:17:11,490
Alfred Hitchcock would turn down
a custard pie to torture you.
326
00:17:11,573 --> 00:17:12,574
Love is weird.
327
00:17:13,659 --> 00:17:16,203
Oh, it happens all the time, my dear.
328
00:17:16,286 --> 00:17:18,704
Powerful men can never resist the help.
329
00:17:20,665 --> 00:17:22,416
Well, thank you for understanding.
330
00:17:22,501 --> 00:17:24,627
You know, it makes me feel so much better.
331
00:17:25,671 --> 00:17:28,006
It's actually been the story of my life.
332
00:17:28,089 --> 00:17:29,800
[music starts]
333
00:17:29,883 --> 00:17:31,635
Wait. You get a song?
334
00:17:31,718 --> 00:17:34,096
That's surprising.
You're kind of a minor cha--
335
00:17:34,179 --> 00:17:35,931
Wait. My backpack, why--
336
00:17:36,014 --> 00:17:41,311
♪ Once I wooed a Swede named Bjorn
Had his maid bring tea each morn ♪
337
00:17:41,395 --> 00:17:44,147
♪ Turns out horny Bjorn
He loved servant porn ♪
338
00:17:44,231 --> 00:17:47,025
♪ And poof went my plan ♪
339
00:17:47,109 --> 00:17:49,695
♪ I am beautiful and clever ♪
340
00:17:49,778 --> 00:17:55,117
♪ And I always, always never get my man ♪
341
00:17:55,200 --> 00:17:57,703
Should you be driving and singing?
342
00:17:57,786 --> 00:18:03,083
♪ There was Tex who traded stocks
Hired a girl to darn his socks ♪
343
00:18:03,166 --> 00:18:07,754
♪ And when Texy's socks led to sexy talks
I was out on my can ♪
344
00:18:07,838 --> 00:18:08,839
[horn honks]
345
00:18:08,922 --> 00:18:11,508
♪ Give my all to each endeavor ♪
346
00:18:11,592 --> 00:18:16,722
♪ And I always, always never get my man ♪
347
00:18:16,805 --> 00:18:22,311
♪ Fell in love with Cole's 1930 Rolls
Dreamed that I would be his bride ♪
348
00:18:22,394 --> 00:18:25,314
♪ But when his chauffeur
Turned out to be a her ♪
349
00:18:25,397 --> 00:18:27,316
♪ They both took me for a ride ♪
350
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,609
[squealing]
351
00:18:28,692 --> 00:18:31,653
-[stammers] How is it still driving?
-[squeals]
352
00:18:33,197 --> 00:18:35,782
♪ Seems I'll never end this curse ♪
353
00:18:35,866 --> 00:18:38,660
♪ 'Cause now my doctor has this nurse ♪
354
00:18:38,744 --> 00:18:41,330
♪ And what's worse the nurse
Wants me to disperse ♪
355
00:18:41,413 --> 00:18:44,082
♪ Like dust from a fan ♪
356
00:18:44,166 --> 00:18:46,752
♪ So I hope you've had your fun ♪
357
00:18:46,835 --> 00:18:49,963
♪ 'Cause the fact is, girl, you're done ♪
358
00:18:50,047 --> 00:18:54,551
♪ 'Cause this time, hon
Oh, this time, hon ♪
359
00:18:54,635 --> 00:18:58,430
♪ Yeah, this time, hon
I am gonna ♪
360
00:18:58,514 --> 00:19:04,269
♪ Gonna get my man ♪
361
00:19:05,062 --> 00:19:06,104
[sighs]
362
00:19:07,731 --> 00:19:08,732
Oh.
363
00:19:10,734 --> 00:19:12,903
-[tires screeching]
-What are you doing?
364
00:19:13,695 --> 00:19:14,738
Get out.
365
00:19:15,739 --> 00:19:18,075
Is that stainless steel?
366
00:19:18,158 --> 00:19:23,372
Oh, don't sweet-talk me.
I want Jorge. I love him.
367
00:19:23,455 --> 00:19:26,792
And I'm tired of being told
how well-mannered I am for stepping aside.
368
00:19:26,875 --> 00:19:28,669
Now get out of the car!
369
00:19:30,963 --> 00:19:33,173
And don't even think about coming back.
370
00:19:34,091 --> 00:19:36,510
You can't do this.
I'm not the bad guy here.
371
00:19:36,593 --> 00:19:40,097
You walked into my engagement
and destroyed my future.
372
00:19:40,180 --> 00:19:41,723
That's called being the bad guy.
373
00:19:42,474 --> 00:19:46,520
Yeah, well, it's never explicitly stated,
but I think you're a Nazi.
374
00:19:47,187 --> 00:19:49,690
Of course I'm a Nazi.
375
00:19:49,773 --> 00:19:51,316
Can I at least have my backpa--
376
00:19:52,609 --> 00:19:53,944
[engine revving]
377
00:19:54,027 --> 00:19:55,654
[tires squealing]
378
00:19:58,699 --> 00:20:00,659
[door opens]
379
00:20:04,705 --> 00:20:06,874
You wanna tell me what's going on?
380
00:20:07,499 --> 00:20:12,462
What is going on
is I have been lying to you.
381
00:20:13,422 --> 00:20:17,968
To everyone. But especially to Carson.
382
00:20:21,638 --> 00:20:22,806
I'm not his sister.
383
00:20:24,308 --> 00:20:25,851
I'm his mother.
384
00:20:26,935 --> 00:20:28,145
Oh, Emma.
385
00:20:30,647 --> 00:20:32,191
Look, it wasn't meant to happen.
386
00:20:33,150 --> 00:20:35,611
I was so young, and my parents evicted me,
387
00:20:35,694 --> 00:20:38,363
and I wound up in a maternity ward
for wayward girls,
388
00:20:38,447 --> 00:20:40,532
although we were anything but.
389
00:20:42,367 --> 00:20:44,036
And when Carson was born,
390
00:20:44,661 --> 00:20:47,706
I told everyone, including him,
that he was my brother.
391
00:20:48,874 --> 00:20:51,793
I just couldn't let Mildred Layton
and her biddy brigade
392
00:20:51,877 --> 00:20:54,796
say what they would say about him
if they knew the truth.
393
00:20:56,757 --> 00:20:58,592
But, of course, now you know.
394
00:21:00,928 --> 00:21:04,097
So I understand if this means
it's over between us, Josh.
395
00:21:04,181 --> 00:21:07,893
It doesn't change
how I feel about you, Emma. At all.
396
00:21:16,443 --> 00:21:17,444
Carson.
397
00:21:18,403 --> 00:21:21,657
I thought I told you to stay in your seat
until you were done.
398
00:21:21,740 --> 00:21:23,992
-You can't possi--
-You lied to me. You're a liar!
399
00:21:24,618 --> 00:21:25,744
No, Carson.
400
00:21:28,413 --> 00:21:29,414
[sighs]
401
00:21:45,180 --> 00:21:46,807
You lost my heart.
402
00:21:46,890 --> 00:21:49,017
I gave you my heart, and you lost it.
403
00:21:49,101 --> 00:21:52,229
Are you sure I didn't give it back to you?
Check your backpack. 'Cause I'm--
404
00:21:52,312 --> 00:21:54,523
Then why do I have your heart?
405
00:21:59,319 --> 00:22:00,904
Maybe I am the bad guy.
406
00:22:02,447 --> 00:22:03,824
[music starts]
407
00:22:07,369 --> 00:22:09,997
Oh, no, is this a dream ballet?
408
00:22:10,080 --> 00:22:12,374
No, no, we're not having a dream ballet.
Okay?
409
00:22:12,457 --> 00:22:14,960
They're annoying and stupid.
They slow everything down.
410
00:22:15,043 --> 00:22:16,837
Nobody likes a dream ballet. Nobody.
411
00:22:17,379 --> 00:22:18,839
[music stops]
412
00:22:24,761 --> 00:22:28,015
I just-- I don't have time for one.
I have to get back to Schmiga--
413
00:22:30,517 --> 00:22:33,437
Actually, no, I don't have to get back
414
00:22:33,520 --> 00:22:36,106
because there's nothing for me there.
415
00:22:38,108 --> 00:22:40,235
There's no reason for me
to be anywhere, really,
416
00:22:40,319 --> 00:22:42,237
so might as well be nowhere.
417
00:22:48,285 --> 00:22:52,539
Carson! Carson! Carson!
418
00:22:53,207 --> 00:22:55,125
Well, well, well.
419
00:22:55,959 --> 00:22:57,669
I've walked these woods all my life.
420
00:22:57,753 --> 00:23:00,672
This is the first time
I came across a six-foot snake.
421
00:23:00,756 --> 00:23:03,091
6'1", actually. And my BMI is 19--
422
00:23:03,175 --> 00:23:07,221
Oh! [grunting]
423
00:23:07,304 --> 00:23:08,889
That's for stealing my gal.
424
00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:13,393
She isn't even with me anymore,
she's with Doc Lopez.
425
00:23:15,020 --> 00:23:16,230
[grunts]
426
00:23:31,662 --> 00:23:34,581
♪ I'm talking 'bout neon signs
Smoke-filled rooms ♪
427
00:23:34,665 --> 00:23:36,792
♪ Billiard parlors and painted ladies ♪
428
00:23:36,875 --> 00:23:38,877
♪ Wanton women having children
Out of wedlock ♪
429
00:23:38,961 --> 00:23:41,004
♪ Rowdy men using filthy language ♪
430
00:23:41,088 --> 00:23:43,298
♪ The devil himself dancing
On your front porch ♪
431
00:23:43,382 --> 00:23:45,384
♪ Stealing your babies
From their cribs at midnight ♪
432
00:23:45,467 --> 00:23:47,553
♪ Cows and sheep having amorous congress ♪
433
00:23:47,636 --> 00:23:49,805
♪ Children with the mark of the beast
On their foreheads ♪
434
00:23:49,888 --> 00:23:53,851
♪ All thanks to these two out-of-towners
Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble ♪
435
00:23:53,934 --> 00:23:58,230
♪ Better hold on to your husband
Best keep an eye on your wife ♪
436
00:23:58,313 --> 00:24:01,984
♪ There's gonna be
Some tribulation and strife ♪
437
00:24:02,067 --> 00:24:04,152
-♪ Oh, we've got strife ♪
-♪ Got strife ♪
438
00:24:04,236 --> 00:24:06,989
-♪ And tribulation ♪
-♪ Tribulation ♪
439
00:24:07,072 --> 00:24:10,826
-♪ And not to mention miscegenation ♪
-♪ Ooh, that sounds bad ♪
440
00:24:10,909 --> 00:24:12,953
-♪ Let's pray the Lord ♪
-♪ Pray the Lord ♪
441
00:24:13,036 --> 00:24:15,205
-♪ Will save us soon ♪
-♪ Save us soon ♪
442
00:24:15,289 --> 00:24:18,667
♪ 'Cause we've got strife
And tribulation in Schmigadoon! ♪
443
00:24:19,710 --> 00:24:21,879
-♪ It's time to vote ♪
-♪ To vote ♪
444
00:24:21,962 --> 00:24:24,214
-♪ And vote for Layton ♪
-♪ Vote for Layton ♪
445
00:24:24,298 --> 00:24:27,509
♪ She is the only one who'll
Save our town from Satan ♪
446
00:24:27,593 --> 00:24:28,594
♪ Save us now ♪
447
00:24:28,677 --> 00:24:30,554
-♪ Let's hope that she ♪
-♪ Hope that she ♪
448
00:24:30,637 --> 00:24:32,806
-♪ Will save us soon ♪
-♪ Save us soon ♪
449
00:24:32,890 --> 00:24:35,642
♪ 'Cause we've got strife
And tribulation ♪
450
00:24:35,726 --> 00:24:37,895
♪ Strife and tribulation ♪
451
00:24:37,978 --> 00:24:40,105
♪ Grief and consternation ♪
452
00:24:40,189 --> 00:24:42,274
♪ Grief and consternation ♪
453
00:24:42,357 --> 00:24:47,988
♪ Strife and tribulation ♪
454
00:24:48,071 --> 00:24:54,620
-♪ In Schmigadoon ♪
-[vocalizing]