Peyton got it.
Peyton got it?
I don't believe it.
Why does everyone care so much about Peyton?
You should meet with Dean Chang. Make her give you some answers.
-Seriously, let's schedule an appointment. -Why? What's she gonna say?
Anyway, I'm fine. I didn't become a surgeon for fellowships.
I did it because I wanted to help people without having to talk to them.
Just ask her what happened so you'll know you did everything you could.
-I mean, Peyton? -Please stop.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry, sweetheart.
It's just a doggy-dog world.
I'm sorry, did you just say it's a "doggy-dog" world?
No, when a fellowship that should so clearly go to you,
-goes to someone-- -Hold on. Hold on.
Doggy-dog?
Oh, Mel.
You just put me in a really difficult position
because I need you to keep saying "doggy-dog,"
but it's my obligation to tell you that the expression is "dog-eat-dog."
I don't think so. It's doggy-dog.
You're doubling down?
Dog-eat-dog doesn't make sense. Dogs don't eat dogs. That never happens.
Then what does "doggy-dog" mean?
It means, like, it's a rough world.
You can be brought down so low, a dog would have you for a pet.
You'd be doggy to a dog.
Okay. A question comes to mind.
Is English your first language?
-Okay, babe. -No, I'm sorry.
Listen, I love you. It's okay to be wrong.
Well, I'm not wrong.
And I was just trying to make you feel better.
You did.
I'm sorry about today.
You were right about doggy-dog.
Makes a lot of sense.
Thank you, sweetie.
And I'm sorry about the fellowship.
Thank you.
And you, you wouldn't eat another dog, would you?
No, you wouldn't. You would never.
But you would have your own dog for a pet, wouldn't you?
Yes, you would.
Look at that. He agrees with me.
Melissa, my word, you're disrobing.
No-- Oh, no, just my shoes. It's late.
What a breath of fresh air you are.
How do you think of these things? You're such a free spirit.
That's me.
Okay, well, here we go.
Piggies, we are giving ourselves to nature.
Shall we be tender monkeys?
You're a little different in love.
But you know what? I'm into it because I'm not controlling.
How about instead we go over our top threes of the day?
By which I mean the day's three worst moments.
Seems you have turned my world on its head.
Jorge, you don't have to do that.
It's just a dumb thing I used to do with an old boyfriend,
and I shouldn't have mentioned it.
Okay, but my number one is when Helen Pritt gave me the stink eye
for using the word "constipated."
Oh, how positively savage. "Constipated."
What was your number one?
Oh, my number one of the day...
well, it was me. I was a horrible doctor.
Oh, no. Although--
Maybe you could prescribe less radium water, but--
I was distracted all day because my thoughts were only of you, darling.
How you crack me open and let the light flood in.
It's crazy, but I feel like you've done the same for me.
Seems like forever since I've been this happy.
Suddenly you've got my senses reeling
Is it just the thrill of something new?
Suddenly these feelings that I'm feeling
If they're real, then what am I to do?
There's no sense In trying to explain it
What and where and why And when and how
All I know is suddenly I love you
And suddenly that's all that matters
Now
Oh, I'm so sorry.
It's my fault, I'm sure.
Oh, looky everyone. The countess has returned early.
How wonderful!
Melissa, this is the Countess Gabriele Von Blerkom.
-She also invented stainless steel. -Jorge, please.
I dabble in aluminothermic reduction processes and I got lucky.
Oh, my gosh. This is just like Sound of Music.
Let me guess, you're just back from the city
and you're supposed to marry him, right?
Have we met? 'Cause I'd never forget such a lovely creature.
What a beautiful couple you two make.
Blerky, Blerky. You silly, silly, Blerky.
No, no. Do you think this woman and I were dancing?
No, I was just simply spinning her around
to dislodge the food that she was choking--
I'm Melissa, the new nurse.
Although you look much newer, Blerky,
you shine and sparkle so!
Jorge, I'm parched. Do root out some champagne.
Yes, of course.
He's in love with you.
Well, he'd hardly be a man if he weren't.
Oh-- Stop it. No. I mean, I guess.
You are a goddess.
You're so smart and stunning.
Compared to you, I'm a barefoot mess.
What fun.
Let's just go find your shoes, shall we?
The truth is, it's crazy, but Jorge and I are in love.
And I know that must hurt,
but I have this feeling, a vision let's call it,
that you are going to graciously step aside.
I can't explain how I know. Let's call it a sixth sense.
Oh, there are so many things one could call it.
What sweaty little hands you have.
You and I must get to know each other better.
Oh, I know. We'll go for a drive. Tomorrow?
I would love that, Blerky.
You feel comfortable enough to call me that.
It's raisin bread.
-Yeah. -It's coleslaw.
Sarsaparilla soda?
My sister must really like you. She's never smiled like this before.
Everyone in town thinks she's a sad sack.
Carson.
Why don't you go count the ants over by that pine tree?
Absolutely.
Well, whatever everyone in town thinks, it's better than what I think of them.
Smiling is overrated.
Twenty-six ants!
Keep counting, buddy!
So, how long are you going to be in Schmigadoon?
I ask because I've had difficulties navigating the ins and outs
of handyman season before.
Well, to be honest, I don't know.
I really need to get back to New York.
But you can't. I mean, it isn't safe.
It's filled with gambling and crime
and poor souls who've tried to make it big
but can't go back home because of foolish pride.
See, but that's what I love about New York.
There are so many people in the city from all walks of life.
I don't know, maybe it's just because you can't keep track of them all,
but-- but everyone in New York's got the chance to reinvent themselves.
My sister kissed Dr. Skinner! My sister!
Carson, you know better than to spy.
That will be sentences when we get home.
Sentences? Then I'm never telling you how many ants there are.
He thinks everyone's got to know everyone's business.
It's all right. Maybe he'll grow up to be a reporter.
I can see that headline.
"Emma Kisses Dr. Skinner: Schoolmarm Scandal."
No, it's okay. He knows he has a lisp.
I had one too. We don't pretend that it doesn't exist.
You know what? You are doing a great job with him.
It can't be easy being both a sister and a parent.
That's really none of your business.
What? I'm sorry. I meant that as a compliment.
Well, thank you for that.
Oh, dear. It looks like rain.
-It's clear. -Well, that's the pattern, isn't it?
No rain. Rain. No rain. Rain.
Oh, it's been so nice seeing you, Josh,
but Carson and I really need to be on our way.
Wait. Emma, what's wrong?
Carson, it's time to go.
-But Dr. Skinner was-- -No, we need to go.
Wha--
Emma.
-Good afternoon, Mrs. Layton. -Is it?
Pardon?
Oh, sir, I hear you. Yes, I hear you.
And normally I'd agree that, yes, it is a good afternoon.
But not this afternoon. Not with the state of our town today.
We've got tribulation, my good sir
We've got tribulation in Schmigadoon
Look down there, do you see what I see? Peanut shells in the street
Lying there like passed-out drunks In the gutter
Turning town square Into the floor of a saloon
The home of loose woman And hooch-happy sinners
A petting pantry In the middle of the street
Is that what our town's become?
Is that the future We want for our children?
I'm telling ya things have changed
Ever since those two outsiders waltzed in
With their big city ways And their newfangled ideas
Promiscuity and depravity
Interlopers interloping
With hearts colder than the hinges of hell
First the two of them arrived unmarried
Brimming with lust Wanting to share a bed
Then the brazen display At the basket auction
Now the mayor's out Proclaiming his perversions
At the root of it all are two strangers
Who've never cracked a Bible in their life
And that's gonna lead To tribulation and strife
Now I've got nothing against outsiders
Provided they're the right kind of people
Kind of folk who look and talk And act like us
Like peas in a pod And birds of a feather
Not loudmouthed trash With their tommyrot, flapdoodle
Claptrap, fiddle-faddle, jiggery-pokery
Stirring up the cream While we're waiting for it to settle
Like vermin in the root cellar Flies in the buttermilk
And they're influencing There, I said it
They're influencing your children
Like an earwig crawling From their ears to their brains
And soon your young 'uns Will be neglecting chores
Milk going sour Unstrained in the springhouse
Back talk at dinner No time for the good book
Ragtime blaring on the Victrola
And that's just the beginning, folks
Soon you won't even, no you won't
No, you won't even recognize your own town
I'm talking 'bout neon signs Smoke-filled rooms
Billiard parlors and painted ladies
Wanton women having children Out of wedlock
Rowdy men using filthy language
The devil himself dancing On your front porch
Stealing your babies Out of their cribs at midnight
Cows and sheep having amorous congress
Children with the mark of the beast On their foreheads
All thanks to these two out-of-towners Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble
Better hold on to your husband Best keep an eye on your wife
There's gonna be Some tribulation and strife
-Oh, we've got strife -Got strife
-And tribulation -Tribulation
-And not to mention miscegenation -That sounds bad
-Let's pray the Lord -Pray the Lord
-Will save us soon -Save us soon
'Cause we've got strife And tribulation in Schmigadoon!
Strife, strife, strife, strife
Strife, strife, strife
I can't hear y'all!
Strife, strife, strife
I love this town.
Y'all know my great-great-granddaddy founded Schmigadoon
when he came upon this beautiful tract of land and said,
"They'll never find us here."
But it pains me. It pains me
to see our town slipping away right before our very eyes.
I tried to alert the mayor, but his mind was elsewhere.
In his pants!
His poor wife is so ashamed she locked herself inside her house.
And this time, on purpose.
I'm sorry, Florence!
New leadership. That's what Schmigadoon needs.
But who?
Who has the moral wherewithal, the traditional how-to,
the good, old-fashioned, all-American je ne sais quoi
to stand up to these two outsiders?
-Mildred Layton for mayor! -I couldn't.
-Mildred Layton for mayor! -I wouldn't.
-Mildred Layton for mayor! -Mildred Layton for mayor!
Okay, I'll do it.
-It's time to vote -To vote
-And vote for Layton -Vote for Layton
She is the only one who'll Save our town from Satan
Save us now
-Let's hope that she -Hope that she
-Will save us soon -Save us soon
'Cause we've got strife and tribulation
Strife and tribulation
Grief and consternation
Strife and tribulation
In Schmigadoon
Sorry, Pete!
I want you to write "I will not spy" 500 times.
And do not get up until you do. Do you understand me?
This is outrageous.
Hey, can I have your pencil, sport?
So, what do you think happened at the picnic?
Why did your sister get so mad?
She's a mystery.
Here, you can write twice as fast.
Let's see.
We're cheating!
No, I'm not teaching you how to cheat.
This is totally fair. It's the Air Bud rule.
Oh, boy. There's movies here, right?
Moving pictures?
Oh, yes, sir. I saw one at the nickelodeon.
It was of a man on a bicycle. It was like he was right there.
Great. So Air Bud is about a dog
who gets to play on a middle school basketball team,
because there's nothing in the rule book that specifically says he can't.
So we're not cheating, we're just exploiting a loophole.
Gee, thanks!
Carson, I just...
I don't wanna leave you with the impression
that you shouldn't work hard on stuff.
Or that Air Bud is a good movie. I mean, it's no Man on Bicycle.
Then you just remove the carbon from the molten steel
until it reaches a composition that can maintain the microstructure.
I once had to boil soup in my stainless steel trash can, long story,
and it saved Thanksgiving, so thank you.
And I just wanna say,
I know it is bonkers for Jorge to choose me over you.
I mean, you could have anyone.
Alfred Hitchcock would turn down a custard pie to torture you.
Love is weird.
Oh, it happens all the time, my dear.
Powerful men can never resist the help.
Well, thank you for understanding.
It makes me feel so much better.
It's actually been the story of my life.
Wait. You get a song?
That's surprising. You're kind of a minor cha--
Wait. My backpack, why--
Once I wooed a Swede named Bjorn Had his maid bring tea each morn
Turns out horny Bjorn He loved servant porn
And poof went my plan
I am beautiful and clever
And I always, always never get my man
Should you be driving and singing?
There was Tex who traded stocks Hired a girl to darn his socks
And when Texy's socks led to sexy talks I was out on my can
Give my all to each endeavor
And I always, always never get my man
Fell in love with Cole's 1930 Rolls Dreamed that I would be his bride
But when his chauffeur Turned out to be a her
They both took me for a ride
How is it still driving?
Seems I'll never end this curse
'Cause now my doctor has this nurse
And what's worse the nurse Wants me to disperse
Like dust from a fan
So I hope you've had your fun
'Cause the fact is, girl, you're done
'Cause this time, hon Oh, this time, hon
Yeah, this time, hon I am gonna
Gonna get my man
What are you doing?
Get out.
Is that stainless steel?
Oh, don't sweet-talk me. I want Jorge. I love him.
And I'm tired of being told how well-mannered I am for stepping aside.
Now get out of the car!
And don't even think about coming back.
You can't do this. I'm not the bad guy here.
You walked into my engagement and destroyed my future.
That's called being the bad guy.
Yeah, well, it's never explicitly stated, but I think you're a Nazi.
Of course I'm a Nazi.
Can I at least have my backpa--
You wanna tell me what's going on?
What is going on is I have been lying to you.
To everyone. But especially to Carson.
I'm not his sister.
I'm his mother.
Oh, Emma.
Look, it wasn't meant to happen.
I was so young, and my parents evicted me,
and I wound up in a maternity ward for wayward girls,
although we were anything but.
And when Carson was born,
I told everyone, including him, that he was my brother.
I just couldn't let Mildred Layton and her biddy brigade
say what they would say about him if they knew the truth.
But, of course, now you know.
So I understand if this means it's over between us, Josh.
It doesn't change how I feel about you, Emma. At all.
Carson.
I thought I told you to stay in your seat until you were done.
-You can't possi-- -You lied to me. You're a liar!
No, Carson.
You lost my heart.
I gave you my heart, and you lost it.
Are you sure I didn't give it back to you? Check your backpack. 'Cause I'm--
Then why do I have your heart?
Maybe I am the bad guy.
Oh, no, is this a dream ballet?
No, no, we're not having a dream ballet. Okay?
They're annoying and stupid. They slow everything down.
Nobody likes a dream ballet. Nobody.
I don't have time for one. I have to get back to Schmiga--
Actually, no, I don't have to get back
because there's nothing for me there.
There's no reason for me to be anywhere, really,
so might as well be nowhere.
Carson! Carson! Carson!
Well, well, well.
I've walked these woods all my life.
This is the first time I came across a six-foot snake.
6'1", actually. And my BMI is 19--
That's for stealing my gal.
She isn't even with me anymore, she's with Doc Lopez.
I'm talking 'bout neon signs Smoke-filled rooms
Billiard parlors and painted ladies
Wanton women having children Out of wedlock
Rowdy men using filthy language
The devil himself dancing On your front porch
Stealing your babies From their cribs at midnight
Cows and sheep having amorous congress
Children with the mark of the beast On their foreheads
All thanks to these two out-of-towners Dr. Skinner and Miss Gimble
Better hold on to your husband Best keep an eye on your wife
There's gonna be Some tribulation and strife
-Oh, we've got strife -Got strife
-And tribulation -Tribulation
-And not to mention miscegenation -Ooh, that sounds bad
-Let's pray the Lord -Pray the Lord
-Will save us soon -Save us soon
'Cause we've got strife And tribulation in Schmigadoon!
-It's time to vote -To vote
-And vote for Layton -Vote for Layton
She is the only one who'll Save our town from Satan
Save us now
-Let's hope that she -Hope that she
-Will save us soon -Save us soon
'Cause we've got strife And tribulation
Strife and tribulation
Grief and consternation
Strife and tribulation
In Schmigadoon