1 00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,727 -This is perfect. 2 00:01:02,271 --> 00:01:07,109 Um, okay, so, I normally don't say this on the first time with boys, 3 00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:13,323 and by "boys" I mean men or guys, uh, male-presenting people of age. Um. 4 00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:18,078 But I would just like to put it out there that, um, 5 00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:21,540 I'm fine if this is like, uh, a one-night thing, 6 00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:26,128 and if it's... ...more than one night, that-- I'm also fine. 7 00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,213 So, yeah. 8 00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:32,968 And what would, uh, your take on this be? 9 00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,805 I don't think this is just one night. 10 00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:41,393 So... two nights? 11 00:01:41,476 --> 00:01:47,524 Melissa, you are gorgeous and funny, and you're a doctor. 12 00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,820 Maybe it's two nights. Maybe three. 13 00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,199 I mean, who knows? Maybe-- Maybe we'll be together forever. 14 00:01:55,282 --> 00:02:01,038 But, for now, can we just take it one moment at a time? 15 00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,831 -Yeah. -Mm-hmm. 16 00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,124 Yeah, I'm great at that. 17 00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,836 So, yeah. Wow. Okay. So, mm, two nights? 18 00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:12,799 Could be two nights. Could be forever. Could be, you know, anything in between. 19 00:02:12,883 --> 00:02:14,510 -Um, sorry, I'm ruining it. -Mm-hmm. 20 00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:16,803 -I'm ruining it. Mm-hmm. -Mm-hmm. 21 00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,769 I don't understand. Why couldn't we cross? 22 00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,021 -I mean... -What? 23 00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,523 Look, this whole thing is insane. 24 00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,858 I'm still trying to wrap my head around all of it. 25 00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:33,904 But apparently, according to the leprechaun, this isn't true love. 26 00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,532 So... ...you don't really love me? 27 00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:38,283 I didn't say that. Of course I love you. 28 00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,910 Then what are you saying? 29 00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,203 I'm not saying anything, 30 00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,830 but apparently some cosmic verdict has been reached, 31 00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,541 and we failed. That's all. 32 00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:49,503 So you're ready to give up on us because of what a leprechaun said? 33 00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,881 No, stop. I am just trying to figure out how to get out of here 34 00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,216 and get back to reality. 35 00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,509 But not together. 36 00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,553 We already tried together. 37 00:02:57,636 --> 00:03:00,556 So, what? Wait, you wanna try with other people? 38 00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,476 Oh, no. No, no, no. Please, no song. 39 00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,061 I'll do anything. 40 00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,605 Yeah, guys, we're actually in the middle of som-- 41 00:03:08,689 --> 00:03:10,357 ♪ Ooh ♪ 42 00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,987 ♪ You can't plow a field Without hitting some stones ♪ 43 00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:20,117 -♪ Every steak's bound to have some fat ♪ 44 00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,411 ♪ You can't eat a fish ♪ ♪ Fish ♪ 45 00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,080 -♪ Without getting some bones ♪ -♪ Bones ♪ 46 00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:27,416 -♪ And ya can't have love ♪ -♪ Can't have love ♪ 47 00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:32,671 -♪ Without having a lovers' spat ♪ -♪ Lovers' spat ♪ 48 00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,506 Would you leave us alone for just a minute? 49 00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:35,757 Seriously, please? 50 00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,886 ♪ First she says something Bound to get his gander ♪ 51 00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,097 ♪ Then he says something mean To get her back ♪ 52 00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:46,268 ♪ Then she complains That he don't understand her ♪ 53 00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,438 ♪ And then he gives her a smack ♪ 54 00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:52,733 No! Oh, no, that's not okay. 55 00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,526 Unless it's consensual. 56 00:03:55,402 --> 00:04:01,700 ♪ It's just a love, love, lovers' spat ♪ 57 00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,328 ♪ Just 'cause you're feudin' ♪ 58 00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,079 ♪ Don't mean that you're concludin' ♪ 59 00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:10,000 ♪ It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪ 60 00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,961 ♪ It's only a lovers' spat ♪ 61 00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:14,546 ♪ ♪ 62 00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,507 Yeah, I'm-- I'm not doing this. 63 00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,716 ♪ ♪ 64 00:04:17,798 --> 00:04:19,885 Oh, what a surprise. You don't want to talk about it. 65 00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,094 ♪ ♪ 66 00:04:21,178 --> 00:04:23,055 Um, what is that supposed to mean? 67 00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,139 ♪ ♪ 68 00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,391 It's not supposed to mean anything. I said what I meant. 69 00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:27,726 ♪ ♪ 70 00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,061 I can't do this with all these people around. 71 00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,312 ♪ ♪ 72 00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,189 Oh, you can't do this, period. 73 00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:36,818 ♪ Every gal and feller Are bound to have a yeller ♪ 74 00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,654 -We have to get out of here. -Yeah, yeah. 75 00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:46,411 ♪ Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden ♪ 76 00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,540 ♪ Living there was such a sweet delight ♪ 77 00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,749 Come on! 78 00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:54,253 ♪ Till Adam, he said "Madam, beg your pardon ♪ 79 00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,130 ♪ But my apple's missing a bite" ♪ 80 00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:01,093 ♪ They had a ♪ 81 00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,847 ♪ Love, love, lovers' spat ♪ 82 00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,598 ♪ Just 'cause you're wranglin' ♪ 83 00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,392 ♪ Don't mean that you're untanglin' ♪ 84 00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:12,229 ♪ It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪ 85 00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,982 ♪ It's only a lovers' spat ♪ 86 00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:16,859 ♪ ♪ 87 00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,694 So what's the plan, Josh? Look for someone new? 88 00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:19,778 ♪ ♪ 89 00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,947 I'm not having a discussion that's part of a musical number. 90 00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,282 ♪ ♪ 91 00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,075 Why won't you just answer the question? 92 00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,159 ♪ ♪ 93 00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,287 Fine. Yes. If it's a way to get out of here. 94 00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,454 ♪ ♪ 95 00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,331 I knew it. I knew it! 96 00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,541 ♪ ♪ 97 00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,756 It's like if The Walking Dead was also Glee. 98 00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,717 -You watched Glee? -I was aware of it. 99 00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,803 -♪ It's just a ♪ 100 00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,889 ♪ Love, love, lovers' spat ♪ 101 00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,223 Holy shit. 102 00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,766 ♪ Just 'cause you bicker ♪ 103 00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,518 ♪ Don't mean that you'll end quicker ♪ 104 00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:54,396 ♪ It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪ 105 00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,608 ♪ It's only a lovers' spat ♪ 106 00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,945 ♪ When he puts her on the spot And she spits out of spite ♪ 107 00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,532 ♪ They're a kettle and a pot Both convinced they're right ♪ 108 00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:08,285 ♪ And they think it's all for naught Then they kiss ♪ 109 00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,914 ♪ Good night ♪ 110 00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,959 Do you think this is true love? 111 00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,044 What? 112 00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,298 Do you think this, you and me, is true love? 113 00:06:22,841 --> 00:06:24,510 You don't? 114 00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:27,429 You don't. Okay. Good to know. 115 00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,306 What does that even mean, true love? 116 00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,100 It's like you've got this perfect idea of what love is supposed to be. 117 00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:33,393 Maybe that doesn't even exist. 118 00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:36,188 Just because something is hard doesn't mean it's unattainable. 119 00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:39,233 It takes work. But clearly you're not willing to do that. 120 00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,152 You know what? I'm done. It's over. 121 00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,237 -Mel. -No, I mean it! 122 00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,863 We're officially broken up now. 123 00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:48,700 You're free to find true love with whoever you want. 'Cause this is it. 124 00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:51,203 The end. And-- And you suck. 125 00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,622 And I hate you. And I hope you die. 126 00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,541 -Mel. -Stop saying "Mel." 127 00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:57,251 You sound like a freaking idiot. 128 00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,963 ♪ That's how you end a lovers' ♪ 129 00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,840 ♪ How you end a lovers' ♪ 130 00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,009 ♪ Spat ♪ 131 00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,289 Miss Melissa. 132 00:07:35,372 --> 00:07:38,125 Oh, Mr. Mayor. I'm-- I'm sorry, I was just-- 133 00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:41,003 Are you okay? Have you been crying? 134 00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:42,254 Um... 135 00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,550 Come here. What's wrong? 136 00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,886 Nothing you need to worry about. 137 00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,723 I am the mayor. I worry about everything that happens in Schmigadoon. 138 00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,434 Now, what's the trouble? 139 00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,311 Josh and I broke up. 140 00:07:57,394 --> 00:08:00,439 Oh, no. You sure it wasn't just a lovers' spat? 141 00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,524 Yes, it wasn't a lovers' spat. 142 00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:07,154 It's over. It's actually over. 143 00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,781 Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry. 144 00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,201 I really thought he was the one. 145 00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:14,703 But I guess I don't know. 146 00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:19,833 I know it hurts right now, but that won't last forever. 147 00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:25,839 Soon you'll forget all about Josh and find somebody new. Somebody better. 148 00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299 It's not that easy. 149 00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,384 I didn't say it would be easy. 150 00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,929 But it will happen. I'm certain of it. 151 00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:41,313 ♪ Somewhere love is waiting for you ♪ 152 00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:48,487 ♪ Someday it will come right on cue ♪ 153 00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:55,827 ♪ Just as every morning The sun comes into view ♪ 154 00:08:55,911 --> 00:09:01,792 ♪ Somewhere love is waiting for you ♪ 155 00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963 Oh, am I supposed to si-- 156 00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,841 ♪ And when you find him ♪ 157 00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:12,135 ♪ Bells won't be ringing ♪ 158 00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,389 ♪ No angels singing ♪ 159 00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,141 ♪ To lead you to him ♪ 160 00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:21,812 ♪ For when you find him ♪ 161 00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:25,190 ♪ A little voice ♪ 162 00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,819 ♪ Leaves you no choice ♪ 163 00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:33,031 ♪ But to pursue him ♪ 164 00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:39,246 ♪ Then he'll smile at you Place your hand in his ♪ 165 00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,667 ♪ And at once you'll know What contentment is ♪ 166 00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:47,880 ♪ Then he'll hold you close In his strong, tanned arms ♪ 167 00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:53,302 ♪ And your heart's a fire Setting off alarms ♪ 168 00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,555 ♪ At last the love that was forbidden ♪ 169 00:09:56,638 --> 00:10:02,352 ♪ No longer must be hidden ♪ 170 00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:11,945 ♪ Somewhere love is waiting for ♪ 171 00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:19,828 ♪ You ♪ 172 00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,920 Mr. Mayor, are you-- are you gay? 173 00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:30,214 I try to be. 174 00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,508 Schmigadoon's motto is, 175 00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:35,302 "We always strive for peace and happiness." 176 00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:39,556 So I try to be an example of joy and gaiety for the folks in town. 177 00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,311 But sometimes it's not so easy. 178 00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,147 Life can be so hard. 179 00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:53,904 I guess this is the place I come to when I want to be gay... 180 00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,408 but I can't. 181 00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:01,119 Oh. 182 00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,663 Mr. Mayor, I'm-- I'm sorry, I-- 183 00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,957 Oh, look at me going on and on 184 00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,584 when I'm the one who's supposed to be comforting you. 185 00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:09,711 You have. I do feel better. 186 00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,922 Good. Because you know what? 187 00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:17,010 Everyone in Schmigadoon deserves to find true love. 188 00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,514 Yeah. They do. 189 00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,897 Here's to finding true love. 190 00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:35,863 -Oh, a reprise. -Mm. 191 00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:41,410 ♪ Somewhere love is waiting for ♪ 192 00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:45,539 ♪ You ♪ 193 00:11:48,000 --> 00:11:49,418 Ow! 194 00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,044 Sorry, Pete. 195 00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:55,883 ♪ You ♪ 196 00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:02,472 Well, hey there, Mr. Skinner. 197 00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,892 Hey, uh, uh, Betsy is it? 198 00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,102 Oh, you remembered. 199 00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,062 And these are my sisters, Laurey, Carrie, 200 00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:11,481 Nellie, Fiona, Cindy, and that is little Tootie. 201 00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:15,360 Is this the fella who said the joke about sleeping like a log? 202 00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:16,737 That is him. 203 00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,947 Oh, say it again. Please. 204 00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,574 What, that I slept like a log? 205 00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,244 I told you he was funny. 206 00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:26,997 I'm so sorry to hear about you splitting up with Miss Melissa. 207 00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,999 Though I do suppose that means 208 00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,251 you'll be looking for a basket to bid on tonight. 209 00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,253 -Oh, no. No, I-- 210 00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,339 I mean, uh-- What-- What, uh-- 211 00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,423 What-- What basket? 212 00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,592 Well, tonight's the annual picnic basket auction 213 00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,427 to raise money to buy books for the library. 214 00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:43,263 And replace the ones the reverend's wife burned. 215 00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:47,559 Every gal in town makes up a picnic basket to auction off to the men in town, 216 00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:51,230 and the highest bid gets the basket plus dinner with the gal who made it. 217 00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:53,941 And maybe a little something special for dessert. 218 00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,318 Though it is a secret whose basket's whose, 219 00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,570 so... ...even if someone wanted to, 220 00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:01,365 he would have no way of knowing which basket was mine. 221 00:13:02,032 --> 00:13:04,243 So what do you say, Mr. Skinner? Are you coming tonight? 222 00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,496 -Oh, yes. Please come. You have to. Oh, yes. Please come. 223 00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,541 Okay. Okay. All right, I'll come. I'll come. All right? 224 00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,167 For the library. All right? 225 00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:14,670 And actually, it's, uh, Dr. Skinner. 226 00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:19,132 Dr. Skinner? Oh, my. 227 00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,718 All right, get outta here, y'all. 228 00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,929 These chairs ain't gonna set up themselves. 229 00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:26,390 Bye, Dr. Skinner. 230 00:13:26,473 --> 00:13:27,641 Nice to meet you. 231 00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,811 My basket will be waiting for you tonight. 232 00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,147 It'll be wrapped in a pink, velvety ribbon, 233 00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,567 and it will smell like peaches and sweet cream. 234 00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,111 I'll see you tonight. 235 00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,783 Okay. 236 00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,790 -Hey. -Hey. 237 00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,836 What are you, selling popcorn now? 238 00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:59,173 I just thought maybe I'd stop by this, uh, basket auction thing. 239 00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,426 You're going to the basket auction? 240 00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:07,639 We broke up, like, two hours ago, and now you're going to the basket auction 241 00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,851 where men are bidding on women like livestock. 242 00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,312 Well, it's-- It's for the library. 243 00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,231 Oh, let me guess. You're bidding on the Rhodes scholar waitress 244 00:14:16,315 --> 00:14:18,734 who thought "slept like a log" was hilarious. 245 00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,986 I just think-- I think it's the way I said it. 246 00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,779 You are so predictable. Whatever. 247 00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,157 Go have fun with your teenage cliché. 248 00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,366 She's not a teenager. 249 00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,036 And I'm just trying to get out of here. Aren't you? 250 00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:31,997 Yeah, I'm trying as hard as I can. 251 00:14:32,080 --> 00:14:36,418 Ooh, if only I'd known the secret was just laughing at everything you say. 252 00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:37,794 Mel, be fair. 253 00:14:39,546 --> 00:14:43,133 Oh. -You know, you're stuck here too. 254 00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:45,844 I'm not suggesting this for the actual world, 255 00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:48,931 but since we're both stuck in this world, 256 00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,682 maybe you should make your own basket. 257 00:14:50,766 --> 00:14:53,769 Oh, really? So I can be bought by some man with four teeth. 258 00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:54,853 No, thank you. 259 00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,190 Okay. I hope you like it here. 260 00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,608 Now if you'll excuse me... 261 00:15:00,776 --> 00:15:02,152 I got a basket to win. 262 00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,156 Hey, cool hat. 263 00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,741 You wish you had this hat. 264 00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,076 Oh, good one. 265 00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:13,664 It's the picnic basket auction. 266 00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:28,303 -See, 'cause they... 267 00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,893 Whoa, you're not gonna wanna drink that, missy. 268 00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,979 That there's the gentlemen's punch bowl. 269 00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:38,814 It's got alcohol in it. 270 00:15:38,897 --> 00:15:39,898 Oh. 271 00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:43,235 Thank you for the warning, Larry the Fireman. 272 00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:49,199 It's time. It's time. It's time for the auction. 273 00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:50,409 Who is that kid? 274 00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,328 What, is his job to announce everything? 275 00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:55,914 That's Carson, Miss Tate the schoolmarm's little brother. 276 00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:59,293 Their parents are dead, so she's had to raise him herself. 277 00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:00,711 Poor kid's got no friends. 278 00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:04,256 You know, on account of his tongue being too big for his mouth. 279 00:16:04,339 --> 00:16:06,633 All right, gentlemen, 280 00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:10,179 time to loosen up those pockets and raise some money for the library. 281 00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:13,182 And replace all the books that were recently destroyed. 282 00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:15,100 -Because they were filthy. -Filthy? 283 00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:17,269 No, these were great works of literature. 284 00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,897 Chaucer, Voltaire, Balzac. 285 00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,983 -Won't take a husband. -All right. All right, enough prattling. 286 00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,651 Now you all know the rules. 287 00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:28,030 You're not supposed to know which basket goes with which gal. 288 00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:31,033 But, of course, if your sweetheart's told you what her basket looks like, 289 00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,284 that ain't my business. 290 00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:40,167 So, is that gooseberry pie I smell? 291 00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,752 What am I offered for this beauty? 292 00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,338 Two bits from Preston. Three bits! 293 00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,006 Four in the back from Barnaby. 294 00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,509 Five bits. Thank you, five. Six bits. Six bits. 295 00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:51,178 Going once. Going twice. 296 00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,472 Sold to Jeremiah in the front row. 297 00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:56,225 -How much is a bit? -Twelve and 1/2 cents. 298 00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:59,603 Why's there a term for 12 and 1/2 cents? How's that helpful? 299 00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,855 What do I hear for that one? Two bits. Thank you, sir. 300 00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:05,983 Three bits. Four bits. Five bits. Six bits. Seven bits. 301 00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,904 Sold to the gentleman in the cap over there. 302 00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,073 Sold to Uncle Otis in the third row. 303 00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,200 Sold to Enoch from The Schmigazette. 304 00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,243 Sold to Curly for five bits. 305 00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,329 Sold to Marcellus for three bits. 306 00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:20,332 All right, there's only one basket left. 307 00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:24,837 And something tells me this one's gonna be mighty popular. 308 00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,839 What do I hear for this fine basket? 309 00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,633 -Two bits! -Four bits! 310 00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,426 -Four bits, thank you, sir. -Dang it. 311 00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:33,554 -Six bits! -Two dollars! 312 00:17:35,806 --> 00:17:38,308 Nobody's ever bid two dollars before. 313 00:17:38,392 --> 00:17:41,520 Okay, two dollars. Going once... 314 00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:42,855 Two dollars and two bits. 315 00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:46,316 I can't compete with that. 316 00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,572 Well, it looks like this basket is going to Henry for two dollars and two bits. 317 00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:54,491 Going once. Going twice. 318 00:17:54,575 --> 00:17:56,410 Hold on there, Mr. Mayor. 319 00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:01,874 -Twenty dollars. 320 00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:06,128 Sold to the newcomer, Mr. Skinner, there, for $20. 321 00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:09,256 -That's Dr. Skinner. 322 00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:12,176 Hey, I'm a doctor too, by the way. 323 00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,178 But you're a lady. 324 00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,888 I think we can all agree 325 00:18:15,971 --> 00:18:19,349 this was the most successful picnic basket auction we've ever had. 326 00:18:19,433 --> 00:18:20,976 -That's... Thanks to our bidders-- 327 00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,227 All right, hold on. 328 00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:25,439 Excuse me, I'm sorry. Pardon me. Pardon me. 329 00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,025 The auction is not over yet. 330 00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:32,988 Well, Miss Melissa, you've decided to make a basket? 331 00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:36,283 No, no. I am the basket, baby. 332 00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:42,247 I don't think you quite understand how the picnic basket auction works. 333 00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,917 Oh, no, I understand how it works, okay? 334 00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,421 'Cause these horny sickos are bidding on women like pieces of meat. 335 00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:50,506 Okay. 336 00:18:50,589 --> 00:18:51,965 -Well, guess what. -All right. 337 00:18:52,049 --> 00:18:54,510 This piece of meat has a brain. 338 00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:57,888 And it is filled with thoughts and ideas. 339 00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,349 So let's get this party started. 340 00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:03,185 Who wants to buy this meat basket? Ow! 341 00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:05,896 Mel, please. Get down from there. 342 00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:08,857 You get down from there. Shut up. You're just jealous. 343 00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:13,445 Oh, and by the way, where we come from, $20 is like nothing. 344 00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:17,699 It's like a medium pizza, okay? So don't be all impressed. 345 00:19:19,159 --> 00:19:22,371 Uh, okay. So, um... 346 00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,791 let's start the bidding at two bits. 347 00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,125 Do I hear two bits? 348 00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:30,921 Two bits to start. 349 00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:36,260 How about one bit? One bit for the lovely Miss Melissa. 350 00:19:36,343 --> 00:19:37,344 Mm-hmm. 351 00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:41,098 Do I hear five cents? 352 00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,642 Ah, we have five cents. 353 00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:47,396 Actually, I just have a question. I'm confused. Is there pie? 354 00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,732 No, but you get something better. 355 00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:52,651 -Cake? -No. 356 00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:59,449 A strong, independent woman who will never accept less than she deserves again. 357 00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,201 Now who wants to buy me? 358 00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:04,580 Yes, Henry for five cents. -No, I got a question too. 359 00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:07,666 Would you be willing to bake a pie? Say, at a future date? 360 00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:13,380 No! There's no pies or no preserves, okay? It's just me. 361 00:20:13,463 --> 00:20:15,382 But come on. 362 00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:18,051 I'm attractive. I'm well educated. 363 00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:22,055 I make good money. I volunteer, or intend to. 364 00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:23,932 Plus I'm fun. You shut up! 365 00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,726 -You know I'm fun. -What did-- 366 00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:28,061 So come on. Let's bid already. 367 00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,315 Come on, fellas. 368 00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:33,025 It's for the library. 369 00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:36,778 Two dollars. 370 00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:41,700 All I got in the world. 371 00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,244 I have a bid from Danny Bailey for two dollars. 372 00:20:44,328 --> 00:20:45,787 Going once. Going twice. Sold! 373 00:20:45,871 --> 00:20:46,955 Oh. 374 00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,749 Did you see that? 375 00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:52,419 This super-hot guy just bought me for two dollars. Yeah. 376 00:20:52,503 --> 00:20:55,380 Make it rain, Danny Bailey. 377 00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:57,508 Well, that was fun. 378 00:20:57,591 --> 00:21:00,719 Uh, obviously those signs at the punch bowls don't work. 379 00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:02,179 Good night, everybody. 380 00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,851 You kept me in suspense there a little bit. 381 00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:08,936 Yeah. 382 00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:14,191 I don't like those two outsiders, Howard, or their newfangled city ideas. 383 00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,526 They don't belong here. 384 00:21:15,609 --> 00:21:17,444 Oh, I don't know about that, Mildred. 385 00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:19,571 I know you don't, that's why I'm telling you. 386 00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,157 They need to go. 387 00:21:24,952 --> 00:21:28,580 -So, Danny Bailey. -Guilty as charged. 388 00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,082 Until proven innocent. 389 00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:32,376 Or not guilty due to plausible deniability. 390 00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,128 Prosecution didn't do their job. Mistrial. 391 00:21:35,212 --> 00:21:37,172 This is fun. 392 00:21:37,256 --> 00:21:39,174 Are you having fun? We're having fun. 393 00:21:39,258 --> 00:21:41,760 So much more fun than Josh and that stupid waitress. 394 00:21:41,844 --> 00:21:43,887 -Don't you think? -I reckon so. 395 00:21:43,971 --> 00:21:46,598 Say, what do you think of that teddy bear? 396 00:21:46,682 --> 00:21:48,100 Ugh, it's creepy. 397 00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,601 -You want it? -Yes. 398 00:21:49,685 --> 00:21:51,562 -Are you gonna win it for me? -Heck no. 399 00:21:51,645 --> 00:21:55,107 You're a strong, independent woman. You're gonna win it for yourself. 400 00:22:01,697 --> 00:22:03,657 Uh, wait. Is this an actual gun? 401 00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,117 -It sure is. 402 00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,579 Now, you're gonna want to place your left hand on the barrel 403 00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:10,747 while you position your finger on the trigger. 404 00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:12,124 Now, be careful. 405 00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:16,044 This thing can go off if you stroke it the right way, even gently. 406 00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:19,381 So mind your grip and just remember 407 00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:22,801 these things were built to explode. 408 00:22:22,885 --> 00:22:25,137 -Uh, Danny. -Yes, Melissa. 409 00:22:25,220 --> 00:22:28,098 Um, this might be a bit complicated 410 00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:31,935 because I am a bit tipsy in the spectrum of consent, 411 00:22:32,019 --> 00:22:36,982 but all I'm thinking right now is how good your neck smells 412 00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:41,278 and how I would throw my mother in front of a bus 413 00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:44,156 to get the chance to ride you. 414 00:22:45,449 --> 00:22:48,577 You're a funny kid. What's a bus? 415 00:22:48,660 --> 00:22:49,995 -Oh. 416 00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:53,540 -And the lady wins a prize. 417 00:22:54,791 --> 00:22:56,543 -Wow. -It's all yours, Melissa. 418 00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:59,963 I mean, even, like... 419 00:23:00,047 --> 00:23:04,176 ...how you use my name in a sentence, it's limb-wobbling. 420 00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:06,637 I'm not used to this, okay? 421 00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,681 I'm generally pretty level-headed and rational. 422 00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:11,016 Well, yee honk. 423 00:23:11,642 --> 00:23:13,519 -Yee honk? -That's right. 424 00:23:13,602 --> 00:23:16,772 I like women who can think for themselves. But sometimes... 425 00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:19,525 you got to do less thinking. 426 00:23:24,613 --> 00:23:26,865 -How do you feel now? 427 00:23:28,158 --> 00:23:30,035 Holy shit. Am I about to get a song? 428 00:23:30,661 --> 00:23:33,330 My own song? I am! 429 00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:42,673 ♪ When it comes to love and romance ♪ 430 00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:47,052 ♪ I've never left a thing to chance ♪ 431 00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:51,849 ♪ Stiffer than a froggy in formaldehyde ♪ 432 00:23:51,932 --> 00:23:56,186 ♪ Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪ 433 00:23:57,145 --> 00:23:58,981 Oh, it's in my range and everything. 434 00:24:01,441 --> 00:24:03,986 ♪ What about plans you've made? ♪ 435 00:24:04,069 --> 00:24:05,863 ♪ Plans are for sissies ♪ 436 00:24:05,946 --> 00:24:08,407 ♪ I've heard you've never strayed ♪ 437 00:24:08,490 --> 00:24:10,409 ♪ Mm, just give me some kissies ♪ 438 00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:14,913 ♪ Always used to let My conscience be my guide ♪ 439 00:24:14,997 --> 00:24:19,293 ♪ Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪ 440 00:24:22,629 --> 00:24:23,630 Whoo. 441 00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:28,760 ♪ Effortless, effortless ♪ 442 00:24:28,844 --> 00:24:33,640 ♪ This is so effing effortless ♪ 443 00:24:33,724 --> 00:24:38,145 ♪ Ready to taste the things I've never tasted ♪ 444 00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:42,816 ♪ Wow! Your pants are really high-waisted ♪ 445 00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:45,527 ♪ What about being good? ♪ 446 00:24:45,611 --> 00:24:47,446 ♪ I wanna be bad now ♪ 447 00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,199 ♪ Doing the things you should? ♪ 448 00:24:50,282 --> 00:24:51,992 ♪ What are you, my dad now? ♪ 449 00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:56,413 ♪ Bring on all the fun That I have been denied ♪ 450 00:24:56,496 --> 00:25:00,709 ♪ Now it's time to enjoy the ride ♪ 451 00:25:02,920 --> 00:25:04,421 -Ooh. 452 00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:15,224 ♪ Oink, oink ♪ 453 00:25:45,921 --> 00:25:47,047 Yeah. 454 00:25:52,135 --> 00:25:55,180 Whoa, this is, uh, some little hike. 455 00:25:55,264 --> 00:25:58,183 -Well, I thought it'd be good to get away. 456 00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:00,602 Especially from that heartless Miss Melissa. 457 00:26:00,686 --> 00:26:03,063 Oh, let's not talk about Miss Melissa. 458 00:26:03,146 --> 00:26:05,566 Oh, you poor thing. 459 00:26:05,649 --> 00:26:07,609 I mean, you must really be hurting. 460 00:26:08,235 --> 00:26:12,239 But don't you worry. Betsy is gonna make it all better. 461 00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:14,616 Would you like that? 462 00:26:15,534 --> 00:26:17,536 Yes. Yes, I would. 463 00:26:20,205 --> 00:26:23,834 Oh, I just love this place. 464 00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:27,462 The high school kids call it "Virginity Ruins." 465 00:26:27,546 --> 00:26:30,674 It's where they all come to, you know, "picnic." 466 00:26:30,757 --> 00:26:35,053 Not that I've been here before. Tee-hee. 467 00:26:36,638 --> 00:26:39,725 Uh, well, if-- if you had been here before, 468 00:26:39,808 --> 00:26:41,727 it would've been a long time ago 469 00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:44,104 because it was way back when you were in high school. 470 00:26:44,188 --> 00:26:45,272 Am I right? 471 00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:47,691 Oh, look! There's the swing I used to swing on 472 00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:49,943 the summer that I turned 14. 473 00:26:50,027 --> 00:26:52,821 Oh, it seems like that was only yesterday. 474 00:26:52,905 --> 00:26:54,364 But it wasn't, right? 475 00:26:54,448 --> 00:26:56,116 Oh, and over yonder, 476 00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,661 there's the special tree that my papa planted the day that I was born. 477 00:27:00,579 --> 00:27:02,206 Oh, no. 478 00:27:02,289 --> 00:27:04,249 You are really young. 479 00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:08,629 Look, Betsy, I feel like it's a good time to set some ground rules 480 00:27:08,712 --> 00:27:11,798 in terms of what's gonna happen between us tonight. 481 00:27:11,882 --> 00:27:14,468 Why, Dr. Skinner, 482 00:27:14,551 --> 00:27:17,888 what makes you think anything's gonna happen between us? 483 00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:20,516 You know, I think you have the wrong idea about me. 484 00:27:21,225 --> 00:27:25,354 ♪ Other girls flirt and talk romance ♪ 485 00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:29,525 ♪ Soon as they see a pair of pants ♪ 486 00:27:29,608 --> 00:27:34,696 ♪ When the sun goes down They let their morals slide ♪ 487 00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:38,825 ♪ But I'm gonna wait till I'm a bride ♪ 488 00:27:38,909 --> 00:27:42,829 That's great to hear, Betsy, 'cause here's the thing. 489 00:27:42,913 --> 00:27:44,540 You are way too youn-- 490 00:27:44,623 --> 00:27:48,126 ♪ Other girls like to show their skin ♪ 491 00:27:48,210 --> 00:27:52,631 ♪ Gettin' a boy's mind set on sin ♪ 492 00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:57,845 ♪ Willing to do things That I have never tried ♪ 493 00:27:57,928 --> 00:28:02,266 ♪ Cause I'm gonna wait till I'm a bride ♪ 494 00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:08,814 Okay, I'm kinda getting some mixed messages here. 495 00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:14,862 ♪ Baby, you're much too much ♪ 496 00:28:14,945 --> 00:28:17,364 ♪ I'm losing my senses ♪ 497 00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:21,577 ♪ Hoping you still got touch ♪ 498 00:28:21,660 --> 00:28:23,912 ♪ There go my defenses ♪ 499 00:28:23,996 --> 00:28:30,294 ♪ Baby, don't you wanna Find out what's inside? ♪ 500 00:28:30,377 --> 00:28:31,545 Yes. 501 00:28:31,628 --> 00:28:36,133 ♪ Now it's time to enjoy ♪ 502 00:28:36,216 --> 00:28:43,182 ♪ The ride ♪ 503 00:28:47,519 --> 00:28:49,354 But then again, why wait? 504 00:28:52,608 --> 00:28:53,817 Papa! 505 00:28:54,443 --> 00:28:56,445 You better start proposing, son. 506 00:29:01,617 --> 00:29:04,661 ♪ First she says something Bound to get his gander ♪ 507 00:29:05,495 --> 00:29:08,081 ♪ Then he says something mean To get her back ♪ 508 00:29:09,291 --> 00:29:12,169 ♪ Then she complains That he don't understand her ♪ 509 00:29:13,086 --> 00:29:15,714 ♪ And then he gives her a smack ♪ 510 00:29:20,844 --> 00:29:27,476 ♪ It's just a love, love, lovers' spat ♪ 511 00:29:28,018 --> 00:29:29,520 ♪ Just 'cause you're feudin' ♪ 512 00:29:29,603 --> 00:29:31,271 ♪ Don't mean that you're concludin' ♪ 513 00:29:31,355 --> 00:29:35,192 ♪ It's as plain, plain, plain as that ♪ 514 00:29:35,275 --> 00:29:38,153 ♪ It's only a lovers' spat ♪ 515 00:29:38,862 --> 00:29:40,113 ♪ ♪ 516 00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:43,158 ♪ ♪ 517 00:29:45,452 --> 00:29:49,373 ♪ Every gal and feller Are bound to have a yeller ♪ 518 00:29:55,921 --> 00:29:59,591 ♪ Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden ♪ 519 00:29:59,675 --> 00:30:02,511 ♪ Living there was such a sweet delight ♪ 520 00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:06,723 ♪ Till Adam, he said "Madam, beg your pardon ♪ 521 00:30:06,807 --> 00:30:10,102 ♪ But my apple's missing a bite" ♪ 522 00:30:10,185 --> 00:30:13,564 ♪ They had a ♪ 523 00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:17,317 ♪ Love, love, lovers' spat ♪ 524 00:30:17,401 --> 00:30:19,069 ♪ Just 'cause you're wranglin' ♪ 525 00:30:19,152 --> 00:30:20,863 ♪ Don't mean that you're untanglin' ♪