1
00:00:58,725 --> 00:01:00,227
This is perfect.
2
00:01:02,729 --> 00:01:07,109
Okay, so, I normally don't say this
on the first time with boys,
3
00:01:07,192 --> 00:01:13,323
and by "boys" I mean men or guys,
male-presenting people of age.
4
00:01:13,407 --> 00:01:18,078
But I would just like
to put it out there that
5
00:01:18,161 --> 00:01:21,540
I'm fine if this is like
a one-night thing,
6
00:01:21,623 --> 00:01:26,128
and if it's more than one night,
that-- I'm also fine.
7
00:01:26,211 --> 00:01:28,213
So, yeah.
8
00:01:28,297 --> 00:01:32,968
And what would your take on this be?
9
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,805
I don't think this is just one night.
10
00:01:37,931 --> 00:01:41,393
So... two nights?
11
00:01:42,352 --> 00:01:47,524
Melissa, you are gorgeous and funny,
and you're a doctor.
12
00:01:49,610 --> 00:01:51,820
Maybe it's two nights. Maybe three.
13
00:01:52,487 --> 00:01:55,199
I mean, who knows?
Maybe we'll be together forever.
14
00:01:55,282 --> 00:02:01,038
But, for now,
can we just take it one moment at a time?
15
00:02:01,830 --> 00:02:02,831
Yeah.
16
00:02:02,915 --> 00:02:04,124
Yeah, I'm great at that.
17
00:02:05,250 --> 00:02:08,836
So, yeah. Wow. Okay. So, two nights?
18
00:02:08,920 --> 00:02:13,258
Could be two nights. Could be forever.
Could be, you know, anything in between.
19
00:02:13,342 --> 00:02:14,510
Sorry, I'm ruining it.
20
00:02:14,593 --> 00:02:15,802
I'm ruining it.
21
00:02:21,058 --> 00:02:23,769
I don't understand. Why couldn't we cross?
22
00:02:23,852 --> 00:02:26,021
-I mean...
-What?
23
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,523
Look, this whole thing is insane.
24
00:02:27,606 --> 00:02:29,858
I'm still trying to wrap my head
around all of it.
25
00:02:29,942 --> 00:02:33,904
But apparently, according to
the leprechaun, this isn't true love.
26
00:02:33,987 --> 00:02:36,532
So, you don't really love me?
27
00:02:36,615 --> 00:02:38,283
I didn't say that. Of course I love you.
28
00:02:38,367 --> 00:02:39,910
Then what are you saying?
29
00:02:39,993 --> 00:02:41,203
I'm not saying anything,
30
00:02:41,286 --> 00:02:43,830
but apparently
some cosmic verdict has been reached,
31
00:02:43,914 --> 00:02:45,541
and we failed. That's all.
32
00:02:45,624 --> 00:02:49,503
So you're ready to give up on us
because of what a leprechaun said?
33
00:02:49,586 --> 00:02:52,881
No, stop. I am just trying to figure out
how to get out of here
34
00:02:52,965 --> 00:02:54,216
and get back to reality.
35
00:02:54,299 --> 00:02:55,509
But not together.
36
00:02:55,592 --> 00:02:57,427
We already tried together.
37
00:02:57,928 --> 00:03:00,556
So, what?
Wait, you wanna try with other people?
38
00:03:02,474 --> 00:03:04,476
Oh, no. No, no. Please, no song.
39
00:03:04,560 --> 00:03:06,061
I'll do anything.
40
00:03:06,144 --> 00:03:08,605
Yeah, guys, we're actually
in the middle of som--
41
00:03:10,440 --> 00:03:14,987
You can't plow a field
Without hitting some stones
42
00:03:15,070 --> 00:03:20,117
Every steak's bound to have some fat
43
00:03:20,200 --> 00:03:22,411
-You can't eat a fish
-Fish
44
00:03:22,494 --> 00:03:25,080
-Without getting some bones
-Bones
45
00:03:25,163 --> 00:03:27,416
-And ya can't have love
-Can't have love
46
00:03:27,499 --> 00:03:32,671
-Without having a lovers' spat
-Lovers' spat
47
00:03:32,754 --> 00:03:34,506
Would you leave us alone
for just a minute?
48
00:03:34,590 --> 00:03:35,757
Seriously, please?
49
00:03:35,841 --> 00:03:38,886
First she says something
Bound to get his gander
50
00:03:39,469 --> 00:03:42,097
Then he says something mean
To get her back
51
00:03:43,182 --> 00:03:46,268
Then she complains
That he don't understand her
52
00:03:47,144 --> 00:03:49,438
And then he gives her a smack
53
00:03:50,189 --> 00:03:52,733
No! Oh, no, that's not okay.
54
00:03:52,816 --> 00:03:54,526
Unless it's consensual.
55
00:03:55,402 --> 00:04:01,700
It's just a love, love, lovers' spat
56
00:04:02,826 --> 00:04:04,328
Just 'cause you're feudin'
57
00:04:04,411 --> 00:04:06,079
Don't mean that you're concludin'
58
00:04:06,163 --> 00:04:10,000
It's as plain, plain, plain as that
59
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,961
It's only a lovers' spat
60
00:04:13,545 --> 00:04:14,546
First he says:
61
00:04:15,130 --> 00:04:16,507
Yeah, I'm not doing this.
62
00:04:16,589 --> 00:04:17,716
Then she says:
63
00:04:17,798 --> 00:04:19,885
What a surprise.
You don't want to talk about it.
64
00:04:19,968 --> 00:04:21,094
Then he says:
65
00:04:21,762 --> 00:04:23,055
What is that supposed to mean?
66
00:04:23,138 --> 00:04:24,139
Then she says:
67
00:04:24,223 --> 00:04:26,391
It's not supposed to mean anything.
I said what I meant.
68
00:04:26,475 --> 00:04:27,726
Then he says:
69
00:04:27,809 --> 00:04:29,061
I can't do this
with all these people around.
70
00:04:29,144 --> 00:04:30,312
Then she says:
71
00:04:30,395 --> 00:04:32,189
You can't do this, period.
72
00:04:32,898 --> 00:04:36,818
Every gal and feller
Are bound to have a yeller
73
00:04:36,902 --> 00:04:38,654
-We have to get out of here.
-Yeah, yeah.
74
00:04:42,950 --> 00:04:46,411
Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden
75
00:04:47,037 --> 00:04:49,540
Living there was such a sweet delight
76
00:04:49,623 --> 00:04:50,749
Come on!
77
00:04:50,832 --> 00:04:54,253
Till Adam, he said
"Madam, beg your pardon
78
00:04:54,336 --> 00:04:57,130
But my apple's missing a bite"
79
00:04:57,714 --> 00:05:01,093
They had a
80
00:05:01,176 --> 00:05:04,847
Love, love, lovers' spat
81
00:05:04,930 --> 00:05:06,598
Just 'cause you're wranglin'
82
00:05:06,682 --> 00:05:08,392
Don't mean that you're untanglin'
83
00:05:08,475 --> 00:05:12,229
It's as plain, plain, plain as that
84
00:05:12,312 --> 00:05:14,982
It's only a lovers' spat
85
00:05:15,858 --> 00:05:16,859
First she says:
86
00:05:16,942 --> 00:05:18,694
So what's the plan, Josh?
Look for someone new?
87
00:05:18,777 --> 00:05:19,778
Then he says:
88
00:05:19,862 --> 00:05:21,947
I'm not having a discussion
that's part of a musical number.
89
00:05:22,030 --> 00:05:23,282
Then she says:
90
00:05:23,365 --> 00:05:25,075
Why won't you just answer the question?
91
00:05:25,158 --> 00:05:26,159
Then he says:
92
00:05:26,243 --> 00:05:28,287
Fine. Yes.
If it's a way to get out of here.
93
00:05:28,370 --> 00:05:29,454
Then she says:
94
00:05:29,538 --> 00:05:31,331
I knew it. I knew it!
95
00:05:31,415 --> 00:05:32,541
Then he says:
96
00:05:37,546 --> 00:05:39,756
It's like if The Walking Dead
was also Glee.
97
00:05:39,840 --> 00:05:41,717
-You watched Glee?
-I was aware of it.
98
00:05:41,800 --> 00:05:44,803
It's just a
99
00:05:44,887 --> 00:05:46,889
Love, love, lovers' spat
100
00:05:46,972 --> 00:05:48,223
Holy shit.
101
00:05:48,307 --> 00:05:49,766
Just 'cause you bicker
102
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:51,518
Don't mean that you'll end quicker
103
00:05:51,602 --> 00:05:54,396
It's as plain, plain, plain as that
104
00:05:55,147 --> 00:05:57,608
It's only a lovers' spat
105
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,945
When he puts her on the spot
And she spits out of spite
106
00:06:02,029 --> 00:06:05,532
They're a kettle and a pot
Both convinced they're right
107
00:06:05,616 --> 00:06:08,285
And they think it's all for naught
Then they kiss
108
00:06:08,368 --> 00:06:11,914
Good night
109
00:06:14,166 --> 00:06:15,959
Do you think this is true love?
110
00:06:16,043 --> 00:06:17,044
What?
111
00:06:17,711 --> 00:06:21,298
Do you think this,
you and me, is true love?
112
00:06:23,425 --> 00:06:24,510
You don't?
113
00:06:25,344 --> 00:06:27,429
You don't. Okay. Good to know.
114
00:06:27,513 --> 00:06:29,306
What does that even mean, true love?
115
00:06:29,389 --> 00:06:32,100
It's like you've got this perfect idea
of what love is supposed to be.
116
00:06:32,184 --> 00:06:33,393
Maybe that doesn't even exist.
117
00:06:33,477 --> 00:06:36,188
Just because something is hard
doesn't mean it's unattainable.
118
00:06:36,271 --> 00:06:39,233
It takes work.
But clearly you're not willing to do that.
119
00:06:39,316 --> 00:06:42,152
You know what? I'm done. It's over.
120
00:06:42,236 --> 00:06:43,237
-Mel.
-No, I mean it!
121
00:06:43,320 --> 00:06:44,863
We're officially broken up now.
122
00:06:44,947 --> 00:06:48,700
You're free to find true love
with whoever you want. 'Cause this is it.
123
00:06:48,784 --> 00:06:51,203
The end. And you suck.
124
00:06:51,286 --> 00:06:53,622
And I hate you. And I hope you die.
125
00:06:54,331 --> 00:06:55,541
-Mel.
-Stop saying "Mel."
126
00:06:55,624 --> 00:06:57,251
You sound like a freaking idiot.
127
00:06:58,627 --> 00:07:00,963
That's how you end a lovers'
128
00:07:01,046 --> 00:07:02,840
How you end a lovers'
129
00:07:02,923 --> 00:07:06,009
Spat
130
00:07:34,079 --> 00:07:35,622
Miss Melissa.
131
00:07:35,706 --> 00:07:38,125
Mr. Mayor. I'm sorry, I was just--
132
00:07:38,208 --> 00:07:41,003
Are you okay? Have you been crying?
133
00:07:44,631 --> 00:07:46,550
Come here. What's wrong?
134
00:07:47,217 --> 00:07:48,886
Nothing you need to worry about.
135
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:52,723
I am the mayor. I worry about everything
that happens in Schmigadoon.
136
00:07:53,765 --> 00:07:55,434
Now, what's the trouble?
137
00:07:55,517 --> 00:07:57,311
Josh and I broke up.
138
00:07:57,394 --> 00:08:00,439
Oh, no.
You sure it wasn't just a lovers' spat?
139
00:08:00,522 --> 00:08:02,524
Yes, it wasn't a lovers' spat.
140
00:08:04,193 --> 00:08:07,154
It's over. It's actually over.
141
00:08:07,237 --> 00:08:09,781
Oh, Melissa, I am so sorry.
142
00:08:09,865 --> 00:08:12,201
I really thought he was the one.
143
00:08:12,284 --> 00:08:14,703
But I guess I don't know.
144
00:08:16,622 --> 00:08:19,833
I know it hurts right now,
but that won't last forever.
145
00:08:20,667 --> 00:08:25,839
Soon you'll forget all about Josh
and find somebody new. Somebody better.
146
00:08:25,923 --> 00:08:27,299
It's not that easy.
147
00:08:27,382 --> 00:08:29,384
I didn't say it would be easy.
148
00:08:29,927 --> 00:08:32,929
But it will happen. I'm certain of it.
149
00:08:35,849 --> 00:08:41,313
Somewhere love is waiting for you
150
00:08:42,523 --> 00:08:48,487
Someday it will come right on cue
151
00:08:49,238 --> 00:08:55,827
Just as every morning
The sun comes into view
152
00:08:55,911 --> 00:09:01,792
Somewhere love is waiting for you
153
00:09:04,711 --> 00:09:05,963
Oh, am I supposed to si--
154
00:09:06,046 --> 00:09:08,841
And when you find him
155
00:09:08,924 --> 00:09:12,135
Bells won't be ringing
156
00:09:12,219 --> 00:09:15,389
No angels singing
157
00:09:15,472 --> 00:09:18,141
To lead you to him
158
00:09:18,809 --> 00:09:21,812
For when you find him
159
00:09:21,895 --> 00:09:25,190
A little voice
160
00:09:25,274 --> 00:09:28,819
Leaves you no choice
161
00:09:28,902 --> 00:09:33,031
But to pursue him
162
00:09:34,658 --> 00:09:39,246
Then he'll smile at you
Place your hand in his
163
00:09:39,329 --> 00:09:43,667
And at once you'll know
What contentment is
164
00:09:43,750 --> 00:09:47,880
Then he'll hold you close
In his strong, tanned arms
165
00:09:47,963 --> 00:09:53,302
And your heart's a fire
Setting off alarms
166
00:09:53,385 --> 00:09:56,555
At last the love that was forbidden
167
00:09:56,638 --> 00:10:02,352
No longer must be hidden
168
00:10:07,399 --> 00:10:11,945
Somewhere love is waiting for
169
00:10:12,863 --> 00:10:19,828
You
170
00:10:24,499 --> 00:10:27,920
Mr. Mayor, are you-- are you gay?
171
00:10:29,213 --> 00:10:30,214
I try to be.
172
00:10:31,340 --> 00:10:32,508
Schmigadoon's motto is,
173
00:10:32,591 --> 00:10:35,302
"We always strive
for peace and happiness."
174
00:10:35,385 --> 00:10:39,556
So I try to be an example of joy
and gaiety for the folks in town.
175
00:10:41,433 --> 00:10:44,311
But sometimes it's not so easy.
176
00:10:45,771 --> 00:10:47,147
Life can be so hard.
177
00:10:49,024 --> 00:10:53,904
I guess this is the place I come to
when I want to be gay...
178
00:10:57,199 --> 00:10:58,408
but I can't.
179
00:11:01,203 --> 00:11:02,663
Mr. Mayor, I'm sorry, I--
180
00:11:02,746 --> 00:11:04,957
Look at me going on and on
181
00:11:05,040 --> 00:11:07,584
when I'm the one who's
supposed to be comforting you.
182
00:11:07,668 --> 00:11:09,711
You have. I do feel better.
183
00:11:09,795 --> 00:11:11,922
Good. Because you know what?
184
00:11:13,090 --> 00:11:17,010
Everyone in Schmigadoon
deserves to find true love.
185
00:11:18,595 --> 00:11:20,514
Yeah. They do.
186
00:11:26,603 --> 00:11:28,897
Here's to finding true love.
187
00:11:34,403 --> 00:11:35,571
Oh, a reprise.
188
00:11:37,447 --> 00:11:41,410
Somewhere love is waiting for
189
00:11:41,493 --> 00:11:45,539
You
190
00:11:48,417 --> 00:11:49,418
Ow!
191
00:11:49,918 --> 00:11:51,044
Sorry, Pete.
192
00:11:51,128 --> 00:11:55,883
You
193
00:12:00,262 --> 00:12:02,472
Well, hey there, Mr. Skinner.
194
00:12:02,556 --> 00:12:04,892
Hey, Betsy is it?
195
00:12:04,975 --> 00:12:07,102
Oh, you remembered.
196
00:12:07,186 --> 00:12:09,062
And these are my sisters, Laurey, Carrie,
197
00:12:09,146 --> 00:12:11,481
Nellie, Fiona, Cindy,
and that is little Tootie.
198
00:12:11,565 --> 00:12:15,360
Is this the fella who said the joke
about sleeping like a log?
199
00:12:15,444 --> 00:12:16,737
That is him.
200
00:12:16,820 --> 00:12:18,947
Oh, say it again. Please.
201
00:12:19,031 --> 00:12:20,574
What, that I slept like a log?
202
00:12:21,950 --> 00:12:24,244
I told you he was funny.
203
00:12:24,328 --> 00:12:26,997
I'm so sorry to hear about you
splitting up with Miss Melissa.
204
00:12:27,080 --> 00:12:28,999
Though I do suppose that means
205
00:12:29,082 --> 00:12:31,251
you'll be looking for a basket
to bid on tonight.
206
00:12:31,335 --> 00:12:33,253
Oh, no. No, I--
207
00:12:33,337 --> 00:12:35,339
I mean-- What--
208
00:12:35,422 --> 00:12:36,423
What basket?
209
00:12:36,507 --> 00:12:38,592
Well, tonight's
the annual picnic basket auction
210
00:12:38,675 --> 00:12:40,427
to raise money
to buy books for the library.
211
00:12:40,511 --> 00:12:43,263
And replace the ones
the reverend's wife burned.
212
00:12:43,847 --> 00:12:47,559
Every gal in town makes up a picnic basket
to auction off to the men in town,
213
00:12:47,643 --> 00:12:51,230
and the highest bid gets the basket
plus dinner with the gal who made it.
214
00:12:51,813 --> 00:12:53,941
And maybe a little something special
for dessert.
215
00:12:54,024 --> 00:12:56,318
Though it is a secret
whose basket's whose,
216
00:12:56,401 --> 00:12:58,570
so even if someone wanted to,
217
00:12:58,654 --> 00:13:01,365
he would have no way of knowing
which basket was mine.
218
00:13:02,032 --> 00:13:04,243
So what do you say, Mr. Skinner?
Are you coming tonight?
219
00:13:04,952 --> 00:13:07,496
-Oh, yes. Please come. You have to.
-Oh, yes. Please come.
220
00:13:07,579 --> 00:13:10,541
Okay. Okay. All right, I'll come.
I'll come. All right?
221
00:13:10,624 --> 00:13:12,167
For the library. All right?
222
00:13:12,251 --> 00:13:14,670
And actually, it's Dr. Skinner.
223
00:13:16,004 --> 00:13:19,132
Dr. Skinner? Oh, my.
224
00:13:20,133 --> 00:13:21,718
All right, get outta here, y'all.
225
00:13:21,802 --> 00:13:23,929
These chairs ain't gonna
set up themselves.
226
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,806
-Bye, Dr. Skinner.
-Bye.
227
00:13:26,390 --> 00:13:27,641
Nice to meet you.
228
00:13:28,684 --> 00:13:30,811
My basket will be waiting for you tonight.
229
00:13:31,770 --> 00:13:34,147
It'll be wrapped
in a pink, velvety ribbon,
230
00:13:34,231 --> 00:13:36,567
and it will smell like peaches
and sweet cream.
231
00:13:37,901 --> 00:13:39,111
I'll see you tonight.
232
00:13:43,073 --> 00:13:44,283
Okay.
233
00:13:50,330 --> 00:13:51,790
-Hey.
-Hey.
234
00:13:53,709 --> 00:13:55,836
What are you, selling popcorn now?
235
00:13:55,919 --> 00:13:59,173
I just thought maybe I'd stop by
this basket auction thing.
236
00:14:00,507 --> 00:14:02,426
You're going to the basket auction?
237
00:14:03,093 --> 00:14:07,639
We broke up, like, two hours ago,
and now you're going to the basket auction
238
00:14:07,723 --> 00:14:10,851
where men are bidding
on women like livestock.
239
00:14:10,934 --> 00:14:13,312
Well, it's for the library.
240
00:14:13,395 --> 00:14:16,231
Let me guess. You're bidding
on the Rhodes scholar waitress
241
00:14:16,315 --> 00:14:18,734
who thought "slept like a log"
was hilarious.
242
00:14:18,817 --> 00:14:20,986
I just think--
I think it's the way I said it.
243
00:14:21,069 --> 00:14:22,779
You are so predictable. Whatever.
244
00:14:22,863 --> 00:14:25,157
Go have fun with your teenage cliché.
245
00:14:25,240 --> 00:14:26,366
She's not a teenager.
246
00:14:26,450 --> 00:14:29,036
And I'm just trying to get out of here.
Aren't you?
247
00:14:29,119 --> 00:14:32,456
Yeah, I'm trying as hard as I can.
248
00:14:32,539 --> 00:14:36,418
If only I'd known the secret
was just laughing at everything you say.
249
00:14:36,502 --> 00:14:37,794
Mel, be fair.
250
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:43,133
You know, you're stuck here too.
251
00:14:43,217 --> 00:14:45,844
I'm not suggesting this
for the actual world,
252
00:14:45,928 --> 00:14:48,931
but since we're both stuck in this world,
253
00:14:49,014 --> 00:14:50,682
maybe you should make your own basket.
254
00:14:50,766 --> 00:14:53,769
Oh, really? So I can be bought
by some man with four teeth.
255
00:14:53,852 --> 00:14:54,853
No, thank you.
256
00:14:55,646 --> 00:14:58,190
Okay. I hope you like it here.
257
00:14:58,273 --> 00:14:59,608
Now if you'll excuse me...
258
00:15:00,776 --> 00:15:02,152
I got a basket to win.
259
00:15:04,696 --> 00:15:06,156
Hey, cool hat.
260
00:15:06,240 --> 00:15:07,741
You wish you had this hat.
261
00:15:07,824 --> 00:15:09,076
Good one.
262
00:15:11,203 --> 00:15:13,664
It's the picnic basket auction.
263
00:15:25,551 --> 00:15:26,802
See, 'cause they--
264
00:15:32,599 --> 00:15:34,893
Whoa, you're not
gonna wanna drink that, missy.
265
00:15:34,977 --> 00:15:36,979
That there's the gentlemen's punch bowl.
266
00:15:37,646 --> 00:15:38,814
It's got alcohol in it.
267
00:15:40,566 --> 00:15:43,235
Thank you for the warning,
Larry the Fireman.
268
00:15:45,153 --> 00:15:49,199
It's time. It's time.
It's time for the auction.
269
00:15:49,283 --> 00:15:50,409
Who is that kid?
270
00:15:51,118 --> 00:15:53,328
What, is his job to announce everything?
271
00:15:53,412 --> 00:15:55,914
That's Carson, Miss Tate
the schoolmarm's little brother.
272
00:15:55,998 --> 00:15:59,293
Their parents are dead,
so she's had to raise him herself.
273
00:15:59,376 --> 00:16:00,711
Poor kid's got no friends.
274
00:16:00,794 --> 00:16:04,256
You know, on account of his tongue
being too big for his mouth.
275
00:16:05,632 --> 00:16:06,633
All right, gentlemen,
276
00:16:06,717 --> 00:16:10,179
time to loosen up those pockets
and raise some money for the library.
277
00:16:10,262 --> 00:16:13,182
And replace all the books
that were recently destroyed.
278
00:16:13,265 --> 00:16:15,100
-Because they were filthy.
-Filthy?
279
00:16:15,184 --> 00:16:17,269
No, these were great works of literature.
280
00:16:17,352 --> 00:16:19,897
Chaucer, Voltaire, Balzac.
281
00:16:19,980 --> 00:16:22,983
-Won't take a husband.
-All right. All right, enough prattling.
282
00:16:23,066 --> 00:16:24,651
Now you all know the rules.
283
00:16:24,735 --> 00:16:28,030
You're not supposed to know
which basket goes with which gal.
284
00:16:28,113 --> 00:16:31,033
But, of course, if your sweetheart's
told you what her basket looks like,
285
00:16:31,116 --> 00:16:32,284
that ain't my business.
286
00:16:35,412 --> 00:16:40,167
So, is that gooseberry pie I smell?
287
00:16:40,250 --> 00:16:41,752
What am I offered for this beauty?
288
00:16:41,835 --> 00:16:44,338
Two bits from Preston. Three bits!
289
00:16:44,421 --> 00:16:46,006
Four in the back from Barnaby.
290
00:16:46,089 --> 00:16:48,509
Five bits. Thank you, five.
Six bits. Six bits.
291
00:16:48,592 --> 00:16:51,178
Going once. Going twice.
292
00:16:51,261 --> 00:16:53,472
Sold to Jeremiah in the front row.
293
00:16:53,555 --> 00:16:56,225
-How much is a bit?
-Twelve and 1/2 cents.
294
00:16:56,308 --> 00:16:59,603
Why's there a term for 12 and 1/2 cents?
How's that helpful?
295
00:16:59,686 --> 00:17:01,855
What do I hear for that one?
Two bits. Thank you, sir.
296
00:17:01,939 --> 00:17:05,983
Three bits. Four bits.
Five bits. Six bits. Seven bits.
297
00:17:06,068 --> 00:17:08,904
Sold to the gentleman
in the cap over there.
298
00:17:08,987 --> 00:17:11,073
Sold to Uncle Otis in the third row.
299
00:17:11,156 --> 00:17:13,200
Sold to Enoch from The Schmigazette.
300
00:17:13,282 --> 00:17:15,243
Sold to Curly for five bits.
301
00:17:15,327 --> 00:17:17,329
Sold to Marcellus for three bits.
302
00:17:17,412 --> 00:17:20,332
All right, there's only one basket left.
303
00:17:20,415 --> 00:17:24,837
And something tells me
this one's gonna be mighty popular.
304
00:17:24,920 --> 00:17:27,839
What do I hear for this fine basket?
305
00:17:27,923 --> 00:17:29,633
-Two bits!
-Four bits!
306
00:17:29,716 --> 00:17:31,426
-Four bits, thank you, sir.
-Dang it.
307
00:17:31,510 --> 00:17:33,554
-Six bits!
-Two dollars!
308
00:17:33,637 --> 00:17:34,763
Two dollars?
309
00:17:35,806 --> 00:17:38,308
Nobody's ever bid two dollars before.
310
00:17:39,142 --> 00:17:41,520
Okay, two dollars. Going once...
311
00:17:41,603 --> 00:17:43,105
Two dollars and two bits.
312
00:17:44,565 --> 00:17:46,316
I can't compete with that.
313
00:17:46,400 --> 00:17:51,572
Well, it looks like this basket is going
to Henry for two dollars and two bits.
314
00:17:51,655 --> 00:17:54,491
Going once. Going twice.
315
00:17:54,575 --> 00:17:56,410
Hold on there, Mr. Mayor.
316
00:17:59,413 --> 00:18:00,747
Twenty dollars.
317
00:18:01,957 --> 00:18:06,128
Sold to the newcomer, Mr. Skinner,
there, for $20.
318
00:18:06,753 --> 00:18:08,422
That's Dr. Skinner.
319
00:18:10,007 --> 00:18:12,176
Hey, I'm a doctor too, by the way.
320
00:18:12,926 --> 00:18:14,178
But you're a lady.
321
00:18:14,261 --> 00:18:15,888
I think we can all agree
322
00:18:15,971 --> 00:18:19,892
this was the most successful
picnic basket auction we've ever had.
323
00:18:19,975 --> 00:18:20,976
Thanks to our bidders--
324
00:18:21,059 --> 00:18:22,227
All right, hold on.
325
00:18:22,311 --> 00:18:25,439
Excuse me, I'm sorry.
Pardon me. Pardon me.
326
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,025
The auction is not over yet.
327
00:18:29,443 --> 00:18:32,988
Well, Miss Melissa,
you've decided to make a basket?
328
00:18:33,071 --> 00:18:36,283
No, no. I am the basket, baby.
329
00:18:38,619 --> 00:18:42,247
I don't think you quite understand
how the picnic basket auction works.
330
00:18:42,331 --> 00:18:44,917
Oh, no, I understand how it works, okay?
331
00:18:45,000 --> 00:18:49,421
'Cause these horny sickos are bidding
on women like pieces of meat.
332
00:18:49,505 --> 00:18:50,506
Okay.
333
00:18:50,589 --> 00:18:51,965
-Well, guess what.
-All right.
334
00:18:52,049 --> 00:18:54,510
This piece of meat has a brain.
335
00:18:54,593 --> 00:18:57,888
And it is filled with thoughts and ideas.
336
00:18:57,971 --> 00:19:00,349
So let's get this party started.
337
00:19:00,432 --> 00:19:02,601
Who wants to buy this meat basket?
338
00:19:03,685 --> 00:19:05,896
Mel, please. Get down from there.
339
00:19:05,979 --> 00:19:08,857
You get down from there.
Shut up. You're just jealous.
340
00:19:08,941 --> 00:19:13,445
Oh, and by the way,
where we come from, $20 is like nothing.
341
00:19:13,529 --> 00:19:17,699
It's like a medium pizza, okay?
So don't be all impressed.
342
00:19:20,035 --> 00:19:22,371
Okay. So...
343
00:19:23,330 --> 00:19:25,791
let's start the bidding at two bits.
344
00:19:25,874 --> 00:19:27,125
Do I hear two bits?
345
00:19:29,670 --> 00:19:30,921
Two bits to start.
346
00:19:32,047 --> 00:19:36,260
How about one bit?
One bit for the lovely Miss Melissa.
347
00:19:39,638 --> 00:19:41,098
Do I hear five cents?
348
00:19:42,349 --> 00:19:43,642
We have five cents.
349
00:19:43,725 --> 00:19:47,396
Actually, I just have a question.
I'm confused. Is there pie?
350
00:19:48,438 --> 00:19:50,732
No, but you get something better.
351
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:52,651
-Cake?
-No.
352
00:19:52,734 --> 00:19:59,449
A strong, independent woman who will
never accept less than she deserves again.
353
00:19:59,533 --> 00:20:01,201
Now who wants to buy me?
354
00:20:01,994 --> 00:20:04,580
-Yes, Henry for five cents.
-No, I got a question too.
355
00:20:04,663 --> 00:20:07,666
Would you be willing to bake a pie?
Say, at a future date?
356
00:20:07,749 --> 00:20:13,380
No! There's no pies
or no preserves, okay? It's just me.
357
00:20:14,173 --> 00:20:15,382
But come on.
358
00:20:15,465 --> 00:20:18,051
I'm attractive. I'm well educated.
359
00:20:18,135 --> 00:20:22,055
I make good money.
I volunteer, or intend to.
360
00:20:22,139 --> 00:20:23,932
Plus I'm fun. You shut up!
361
00:20:24,016 --> 00:20:25,726
-You know I'm fun.
-What did--
362
00:20:25,809 --> 00:20:28,061
So come on. Let's bid already.
363
00:20:29,938 --> 00:20:31,315
Come on, fellas.
364
00:20:31,398 --> 00:20:33,025
It's for the library.
365
00:20:35,736 --> 00:20:36,778
Two dollars.
366
00:20:40,532 --> 00:20:41,700
All I got in the world.
367
00:20:42,409 --> 00:20:44,244
I have a bid from Danny Bailey
for two dollars.
368
00:20:44,328 --> 00:20:45,829
Going once. Going twice. Sold!
369
00:20:47,039 --> 00:20:48,749
Did you see that?
370
00:20:48,832 --> 00:20:52,419
This super-hot guy just
bought me for two dollars. Yeah.
371
00:20:52,503 --> 00:20:55,380
Make it rain, Danny Bailey.
372
00:20:55,464 --> 00:20:57,508
Well, that was fun.
373
00:20:57,591 --> 00:21:00,719
Obviously those signs
at the punch bowls don't work.
374
00:21:00,802 --> 00:21:02,179
Good night, everybody.
375
00:21:05,849 --> 00:21:07,851
You kept me
in suspense there a little bit.
376
00:21:07,935 --> 00:21:08,936
Yeah.
377
00:21:10,437 --> 00:21:14,191
I don't like those two outsiders, Howard,
or their newfangled city ideas.
378
00:21:14,274 --> 00:21:15,526
They don't belong here.
379
00:21:16,109 --> 00:21:17,444
I don't know about that, Mildred.
380
00:21:17,528 --> 00:21:19,571
I know you don't,
that's why I'm telling you.
381
00:21:20,447 --> 00:21:22,157
They need to go.
382
00:21:24,952 --> 00:21:28,580
-So, Danny Bailey.
-Guilty as charged.
383
00:21:28,664 --> 00:21:30,082
Until proven innocent.
384
00:21:30,165 --> 00:21:32,376
Or not guilty due
to plausible deniability.
385
00:21:32,459 --> 00:21:35,128
Prosecution didn't do their job. Mistrial.
386
00:21:36,088 --> 00:21:37,172
This is fun.
387
00:21:37,256 --> 00:21:39,174
Are you having fun? We're having fun.
388
00:21:39,258 --> 00:21:41,760
So much more fun than Josh
and that stupid waitress.
389
00:21:41,844 --> 00:21:43,887
-Don't you think?
-I reckon so.
390
00:21:43,971 --> 00:21:46,598
Say, what do you think of that teddy bear?
391
00:21:46,682 --> 00:21:48,100
It's creepy.
392
00:21:48,183 --> 00:21:49,601
-You want it?
-Yes.
393
00:21:49,685 --> 00:21:51,562
-Are you gonna win it for me?
-Heck no.
394
00:21:51,645 --> 00:21:55,107
You're a strong, independent woman.
You're gonna win it for yourself.
395
00:22:01,697 --> 00:22:03,657
Wait. Is this an actual gun?
396
00:22:03,740 --> 00:22:05,117
It sure is.
397
00:22:05,200 --> 00:22:08,579
Now, you're gonna want
to place your left hand on the barrel
398
00:22:08,662 --> 00:22:10,747
while you position your finger
on the trigger.
399
00:22:10,831 --> 00:22:12,124
Now, be careful.
400
00:22:12,207 --> 00:22:16,044
This thing can go off if you stroke it
the right way, even gently.
401
00:22:16,128 --> 00:22:19,381
So mind your grip and just remember
402
00:22:19,464 --> 00:22:22,801
these things were built to explode.
403
00:22:23,594 --> 00:22:25,137
-Danny.
-Yes, Melissa.
404
00:22:25,971 --> 00:22:28,098
This might be a bit complicated
405
00:22:28,182 --> 00:22:31,935
because I am a bit tipsy
in the spectrum of consent,
406
00:22:32,019 --> 00:22:36,982
but all I'm thinking right now
is how good your neck smells
407
00:22:37,065 --> 00:22:41,278
and how I would throw my mother
in front of a bus
408
00:22:41,361 --> 00:22:44,156
to get the chance to ride you.
409
00:22:45,449 --> 00:22:48,577
You're a funny kid. What's a bus?
410
00:22:50,078 --> 00:22:52,539
And the lady wins a prize.
411
00:22:55,375 --> 00:22:57,127
It's all yours, Melissa.
412
00:22:57,211 --> 00:22:59,963
I mean, even, like,
413
00:23:00,047 --> 00:23:04,176
how you use my name in a sentence,
it's limb-wobbling.
414
00:23:04,259 --> 00:23:06,637
I'm not used to this, okay?
415
00:23:06,720 --> 00:23:09,681
I'm generally pretty level-headed
and rational.
416
00:23:09,765 --> 00:23:11,016
Well, yee honk.
417
00:23:11,642 --> 00:23:13,519
-Yee honk?
-That's right.
418
00:23:13,602 --> 00:23:16,772
I like women who can think for themselves.
But sometimes...
419
00:23:18,106 --> 00:23:19,525
you got to do less thinking.
420
00:23:25,697 --> 00:23:26,865
How do you feel now?
421
00:23:28,158 --> 00:23:30,035
Holy shit. Am I about to get a song?
422
00:23:30,661 --> 00:23:33,330
My own song? I am!
423
00:23:38,335 --> 00:23:42,673
When it comes to love and romance
424
00:23:42,756 --> 00:23:47,052
I've never left a thing to chance
425
00:23:47,135 --> 00:23:51,849
Stiffer than a froggy in formaldehyde
426
00:23:51,932 --> 00:23:56,186
Now it's time to enjoy the ride
427
00:23:57,145 --> 00:23:58,981
Oh, it's in my range and everything.
428
00:24:01,441 --> 00:24:03,986
What about plans you've made?
429
00:24:04,069 --> 00:24:05,863
Plans are for sissies
430
00:24:05,946 --> 00:24:08,615
I've heard you've never strayed
431
00:24:08,699 --> 00:24:10,409
Just give me some kissies
432
00:24:10,492 --> 00:24:14,913
Always used to let
My conscience be my guide
433
00:24:14,997 --> 00:24:19,293
Now it's time to enjoy the ride
434
00:24:24,506 --> 00:24:28,760
Effortless, effortless
435
00:24:28,844 --> 00:24:33,640
This is so effing effortless
436
00:24:33,724 --> 00:24:38,145
Ready to taste the things
I've never tasted
437
00:24:38,228 --> 00:24:42,816
Wow!
Your pants are really high-waisted
438
00:24:42,900 --> 00:24:45,527
What about being good?
439
00:24:45,611 --> 00:24:47,446
I wanna be bad now
440
00:24:47,529 --> 00:24:50,199
Doing the things you should?
441
00:24:50,282 --> 00:24:51,992
What are you, my dad now?
442
00:24:52,075 --> 00:24:56,413
Bring on all the fun
That I have been denied
443
00:24:56,496 --> 00:25:00,709
Now it's time to enjoy the ride
444
00:25:14,014 --> 00:25:15,015
Oink, oink
445
00:25:45,921 --> 00:25:47,047
Yeah.
446
00:25:52,553 --> 00:25:55,180
This is some little hike.
447
00:25:55,764 --> 00:25:58,183
Well, I thought it'd be good to get away.
448
00:25:58,267 --> 00:26:00,602
Especially from
that heartless Miss Melissa.
449
00:26:00,686 --> 00:26:03,063
Let's not talk about Miss Melissa.
450
00:26:03,814 --> 00:26:05,566
You poor thing.
451
00:26:05,649 --> 00:26:07,609
I mean, you must really be hurting.
452
00:26:08,235 --> 00:26:12,239
But don't you worry.
Betsy is gonna make it all better.
453
00:26:13,407 --> 00:26:14,616
Would you like that?
454
00:26:15,534 --> 00:26:17,536
Yes. Yes, I would.
455
00:26:21,081 --> 00:26:23,834
I just love this place.
456
00:26:24,418 --> 00:26:27,462
The high school kids call it
"Virginity Ruins."
457
00:26:27,546 --> 00:26:30,674
It's where they all come to,
you know, "picnic."
458
00:26:31,800 --> 00:26:35,053
Not that I've been here before. Tee-hee.
459
00:26:37,514 --> 00:26:39,725
Well, if you had been here before,
460
00:26:39,808 --> 00:26:41,727
it would've been a long time ago
461
00:26:41,810 --> 00:26:44,104
because it was way back
when you were in high school.
462
00:26:44,188 --> 00:26:45,272
Am I right?
463
00:26:45,355 --> 00:26:47,691
Oh, look!
There's the swing I used to swing on
464
00:26:47,774 --> 00:26:49,943
the summer that I turned 14.
465
00:26:50,861 --> 00:26:52,821
It seems like that was only yesterday.
466
00:26:52,905 --> 00:26:54,364
But it wasn't, right?
467
00:26:54,448 --> 00:26:56,116
Oh, and over yonder,
468
00:26:56,200 --> 00:26:59,661
there's the special tree that
my papa planted the day that I was born.
469
00:27:00,579 --> 00:27:02,206
Oh, no.
470
00:27:02,289 --> 00:27:04,249
You are really young.
471
00:27:04,333 --> 00:27:08,629
Look, Betsy, I feel like it's a good time
to set some ground rules
472
00:27:08,712 --> 00:27:11,798
in terms of what's gonna happen
between us tonight.
473
00:27:12,883 --> 00:27:14,468
Why, Dr. Skinner,
474
00:27:14,551 --> 00:27:17,888
what makes you think anything's
gonna happen between us?
475
00:27:17,971 --> 00:27:20,516
You know, I think you have
the wrong idea about me.
476
00:27:21,225 --> 00:27:25,354
Other girls flirt and talk romance
477
00:27:25,437 --> 00:27:29,525
Soon as they see a pair of pants
478
00:27:29,608 --> 00:27:34,696
When the sun goes down
They let their morals slide
479
00:27:34,780 --> 00:27:38,825
But I'm gonna wait till I'm a bride
480
00:27:40,202 --> 00:27:42,829
That's great to hear, Betsy,
'cause here's the thing.
481
00:27:42,913 --> 00:27:44,540
You are way too youn--
482
00:27:44,623 --> 00:27:48,126
Other girls like to show their skin
483
00:27:48,210 --> 00:27:52,631
Gettin' a boy's mind set on sin
484
00:27:53,340 --> 00:27:57,845
Willing to do things
That I have never tried
485
00:27:57,928 --> 00:28:02,266
Cause I'm gonna wait till I'm a bride
486
00:28:06,186 --> 00:28:08,814
Okay, I'm kinda getting some
mixed messages here.
487
00:28:11,024 --> 00:28:14,862
Baby, you're much too much
488
00:28:14,945 --> 00:28:17,364
I'm losing my senses
489
00:28:17,447 --> 00:28:21,577
Hoping you still got touch
490
00:28:21,660 --> 00:28:23,912
There go my defenses
491
00:28:23,996 --> 00:28:30,294
Baby, don't you wanna
Find out what's inside?
492
00:28:30,377 --> 00:28:31,545
Yes.
493
00:28:31,628 --> 00:28:36,133
Now it's time to enjoy
494
00:28:36,216 --> 00:28:43,182
The ride
495
00:28:47,519 --> 00:28:49,354
But then again, why wait?
496
00:28:52,608 --> 00:28:53,817
Papa!
497
00:28:54,443 --> 00:28:56,445
You better start proposing, son.
498
00:29:01,617 --> 00:29:04,661
First she says something
Bound to get his gander
499
00:29:05,495 --> 00:29:08,081
Then he says something mean
To get her back
500
00:29:09,291 --> 00:29:12,169
Then she complains
That he don't understand her
501
00:29:13,086 --> 00:29:15,714
And then he gives her a smack
502
00:29:20,844 --> 00:29:27,476
It's just a love, love, lovers' spat
503
00:29:28,018 --> 00:29:29,520
Just 'cause you're feudin'
504
00:29:29,603 --> 00:29:31,271
Don't mean that you're concludin'
505
00:29:31,355 --> 00:29:35,192
It's as plain, plain, plain as that
506
00:29:35,275 --> 00:29:38,153
It's only a lovers' spat
507
00:29:38,862 --> 00:29:40,113
First he says:
508
00:29:42,032 --> 00:29:43,158
Then she says:
509
00:29:45,452 --> 00:29:49,373
Every gal and feller
Are bound to have a yeller
510
00:29:55,921 --> 00:29:59,591
Eve and Adam frolicked in the garden
511
00:29:59,675 --> 00:30:02,511
Living there was such a sweet delight
512
00:30:03,303 --> 00:30:06,723
Till Adam, he said
"Madam, beg your pardon
513
00:30:06,807 --> 00:30:10,102
But my apple's missing a bite"
514
00:30:10,185 --> 00:30:13,564
They had a
515
00:30:13,647 --> 00:30:17,317
Love, love, lovers' spat
516
00:30:17,401 --> 00:30:19,069
Just 'cause you're wranglin'
517
00:30:19,152 --> 00:30:20,863
Don't mean that you're untanglin'
518
00:30:20,946 --> 00:30:22,656
It's as plain, plain, plain...