11/28/88
Many a time have I wanted to beat the shit out
of that furry little bastard that always seems to
piss me off. Either by taking a nice warm shit on
my brand new carpet, or decided to use me as a
clawing device.
In this small file, i'd like to suggest ways to
hurt or piss of the little shithead that you can't
get rid of, usually cuz you're mom thinks it's the
nicest fucker alive.
1 -- Kick it Around, you know, when the fucker
get's in your way, whether it be when you're
taking a shit and it comes in and watches, or when
you're sleeping and it sits on your face.
Just put a little force into it and BLAM! The
fucker goes flying. It's especially nice to watch
a cat go flying on a wood floor, with all four
spread, doing 360's and crying like a Mexican
without his burrito. Kicking him from under (like
under the stomach) let's loose a flying cat,
spinning and twirling in the air.
2 -- Tail tricks....This is the fun
part...Seeing the cat can't really get to it's
tail, you can do shit with it and the cat it
defenseless. Try tying the cat's tail to his front
paw, cuz everyone time it walks, it's tail get's
pulled, looks like some diseased person trying to
walk. Or even better, get a nice grab of the tail,
and start spinning the cat around using it, the
cat will have to take the pain, cuz by force of
nature, it can't reach it's paws around to scratch
you since it's spinning so fast it's paws are
spread-eagle like.
If you have glue, and the cat's tail is long
enough, or maybe just a tad shorter, you can glue
it's tail to it's nose, which is cool. The cat
moves his head and his ass comes up with it (how'z
that for a chain reaction?) Like it'll be walking
around town with it's ass all dangling up, all the
other furry fucks will ram it up, which in turn,
will make the cat freak when it tries to sit down
(get it?). But that's kinda mean.
3 -- Wiskers (heh, heh, heh)....Ok, you know
who you are people, you kind that clips cat's
wiskers and laughs like hell. Cat's use wiskers to
navigate in the dark, like when they're entering a
tight spot, their wiskers will tell them if
they're about to run into something (kind of like
those cadillacs with those metal tubes sticking
out the side). So what do you do? You cut the
fuckers wiskers, down to you start getting fur.
Then you gotta through the cat in a closet, and
open the door, oh, about 4 inches. The cat will
naturally be fucked and stunned that us humans
would do such a thing (it probably is equlivant of
a cat cutting off your dick) and he'll start
bumping around, wondering what the fuck....So you
just sit there and laugh your ass off. The cat
might eventually make it's way out of the closet,
but maybe you could, hmmm...Find something else to
do to it after that? (grin>
4 -- Pillow Case....Well,
this is kind of funny...All you do is throw the
little fuck in a pillow case, and go into an open
room (you don't want to beat it to death, well,
not yet adleast). And start swinging the fucker
around in circles, again and again, the cat will
probably crying for it's life (but don't give in
to it's whining, cuz when it get's out, it wants
blood) keep swinging it around and around, faster
and faster, stop when you're too dizzy to figure
out where the cat is, then quickly open the pillow
case and let the bastard fall out (it WILL fall,
believe me). You got to make sure you can see it
(cuz you're gonna me almost as dizzy). The fucker
will be sitting there, moving it's head in
circles, still thinking it spinning. This is the
good part, cuz as far as the cat knows, it's
totally high on Catnip or something. You can do
anything, it's up to you.
4 -- Water ...We all know that cats hate water
more than dogs, and would rather travel in a car
then deal with it. But cat's are funny as hell in
water. Try filling up a tub, or a sink, or
something with water in it that the cat will fit
in. Throw the fucker in for a minute or two
(unless it's definitely going to drown, we'll talk
about killing them later) and watch it
squeal..They act like water is acid or something
and yet they still drink water out of the toilet
when none is available (these fuckers gotta get
their facts straight). After the cat has had
enough torture, grab it by the ear, or tail, or
get a good grab around it's head and throw it out
(throw it outside you fool). When a cat get's wet
(especially a long-haired cat) they look like
giant ferrets, really nasty like (which might
persuade you to do something else, like nail it to
a 2 by 4 and shoot it full of b-b's) but don't
hurt it too bad..
5 -- Misc. shit....Stick the cat in the
Microwave (no, really) and don't turn it on (yet)
just let it sit there, and look through the little
see-through window...It should be scared as hell,
since it's in a really tight spot, can't move much
at all...If you really want to screw the fucker,
nuke it! Just nuke it for 20 seconds at a time...The
cat will start squirming at about 10 seconds
(depending on the wattage of the
Microwave)...After about 30 seconds, the cat will
definitely have radiation poisioning, which will
probably kill it within a month or less. If you
nuke it for a minute, you'll probably kill it,
depending on the size of the cat, the microwave
cooks inside out, so after a minute, it's
intestines and lungs will be a little toasty,
maybe killing it, if not, probably sterilizing it
or leaving it a slow and terrible death. Of
course, you can go "All-Out" if you REALLY express
rage for it, and can nuke it for 5 minutes...This
is NOT for the Squeamish....I DO know someone who
did this, and saw it....It was pretty fucking
gross, and being the cat hater I am, I still felt
sorry for it. In 30 seconds, it starts kicking and
screaming and freaking out (which brings me to the
point, you gotta make sure the door can't be
opened, and you gotta make sure you don't want the
microwave anymore). In 1 minute, it was started to
spaz like nothing you've ever seen before, some
blood was coming from it's mouth due to internal
cuts the Nuking did, all types of seisures and
some last moans were following at 2 minutes. At
about 2 and a half minutes, the cat was still
alive, it's pupils were dialated and it was
twitching like someone stuck a Electrolysis gun up
it's ass...At 3 minutes, it's almost dead...The
smell of the cat would make any mortician throw
up, that's why I would suggest alot of open
windows and doors and some type of gas mask on.
The last two minutes it the cool part...Now that
the fucker is dead (for good reason too) it's time
to watch the fireworks...I think at around 4
minutes, the cat started popping, it's eyeballs
literally popped out of it's sockets, and the
blood started to ooze, not a pretty sight..At
about, 4 mins 15 seconds, it's fur starts to curl
(although it was already crispy) and at about 5
minutes, the whole microwave is one big
slaughterhouse.
Which brings me to clean up...DON'T! I said
earlier, Nuke the cat in a microwave you no longer
want to use (not to mention the microwave is
probably broken anyway). Just throw the microwave
away and chuckle off a couple laughs...Even take
poloraids if you want.
You're probably saying, how the fuck is he
going to write another 996 ways to torture a cat?
Well, the answer is, he ain't.
Another Morbid file Written by Ares -- 11/28/88
